Help Me In My Time Of Loss: Go Fund Me

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention fundraiser

Suicide is not something that is easy to understand and even more difficult to talk about. From the perspective of a mom that just lost my oldest child to [it] even more are the questions that go unanswered.

The “whys”– Why did he have to struggle with such a burden? Why couldn’t I do more? Why did he feel he had no other options? Why, why, why…

The “hows”– How could he leave me? How will we all go on? How will I find the strength to survive this? How, how, how…

The “whats”– What could we have done differently? What is the purpose of God giving me a beautiful child for 17 years, just to take him back? What will I do in this life without him…

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Philip (right) with his younger brother Alex (left)

As a mom, but also someone that personally struggles with mental illness, it was a double hit to the heart when he was first diagnosed. I knew the genetics came from me; my father’s side of the family is ravaged by terrible mental illnesses. But, as a mom, I couldn’t understand why such a sensitive soul would be dealt this hardship. He had such potential, was so smart, creative and so full of love to give. But, within two years, he would be gone…just gone.

The fact is, I have come to the realization that there really will never be an “answer.” I knew what his reasoning was and to him it made perfect sense. He loved everyone he knew, it was the world he could not stand to be part of. In the end, all he could see was his lack of purpose for being here. I could not make him see that his purpose was just this– to be my son, my heart, the breathe in my lungs… my very existence.©

by Mac

A poem to my son, Philip I Want You To Know




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I Want You To Know


My Dear Philip, 

I knew you struggled, I wish I could’ve taken it away

I know you knew we all cared, but you just couldn’t stay

I believe you knew we are all strong enough that we can carry on

I want you to know it feels unbearable that you are really gone

I know I will look for your smile, miss your hugs and laughter

I know I am glad you are my son and will be forever after

I want to thank you for knowing we needed one last moment before away you flew

I want you to know, even though you already knew, I have so much love for you

by Mac (your mom)

The death of a child is not something I thought I would ever go through, yet here I am. Philip, my beloved son of 17 years, lost his battle with mental illness the day after his 17th birthday. How ugly this disease is! Experiencing it myself is one thing, but to see my own child ravaged by depression and to finally lose his life by his own hand, it is more than anyone, let alone a parent, should have to bear!

I will continue to advocate the need for more awareness for mental health sufferers and those that love them. You can help too, in two ways, both greatly appreciated!

Go Fund Me: Help With Expenses in Time of Loss

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention fundraiser

Philip Feb. 22, 2001-Feb. 23, 2018


Filed under Depression, poetry

Sweet Puppy Love

What is sweeter than a pair of puppies? Meet Lennon “Lenny” and McCartney “Micky”! They are my 6 week old babies. Born to the same mom (a Chihuahua)— one has a Jack Russel father and the other a Yorkie father (look up how that happens, lol!). They are the lights of my days.


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These Voices


Don’t criticize me and my choices

I’m just so tired of all the voices

Inside my head they swirl, turn

For silence I constantly yearn

Still louder until I’ve drowned

These voices in my head pound

When finally I get in a word

They make me feel so absurd

Force me to question each move

Anxious for others to approve

But no matter which way I go

I am always faced with a blow

Self doubt, is my worst enemy

From [it] I need to flee

So into myself I’ll go, retreat

Maybe one day this won’t repeat

by Mac


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This Life


Life has so much to teach me still, it bends me and tries to break my will
Takes me up just to drop me low, I never know which to way to go
Struggling daily just to cope, feeling like I have so little hope

However long I try to be free, depression always seems stronger than me
Ruining friendships I hold dear and the love I want to be so near
In the end I’ll likely be alone, for many things I must atone

I hate how vulnerable I feel with you and hate these damn emotions too
Always a wreck and I’m never in control, life is taking such a toll
From my mouth there’s no sound as I crumble to the ground

Don’t know how to live but cannot die, and you are the only reason why
I get so caught  up in my head- Wondering, am I better off as dead?
Yet every day that I’m with you, is so much better as us two©

by Mac



Filed under Depression, inspiration, Life Lessons, poetry

You And Me

Overhead young romantic couple hugging.

Here in your arms, I am safe from what harms
Tasting your lips, my sweet nectar drips
Your touch on my skin, leaves me free within
As I feel you in me, you’re all I can see
Looked deep in your eyes, this love intensifies
Forever here it will be you and me©

by Mac



Daily Prompt


Filed under inspiration, Love of..., poetry



Pieces of me lay on the floor, cannot put myself back together again
I have torn the flesh from my own limbs and I am only bones now
The parts of me that once were beautiful are now ugly and decayed
I reek of death and loss as the Grim Reaper comes with his plow©

by Mac

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Filed under Depression, Life Lessons, poetry