Lost In A Circle

Inhale, exhale and then do it again
Numb me, take me to a happier place
I wander in the darkness, bring me light
But, all you do is bring me deeper into night

Lost in a circle, yet it feels like a maze
When I think I’m at the end I start again
Push and pull, up and down, just one more
All I seem to do is live for the moments I soar©

by Mac

Broken Things

Fallen to pieces, you’re broken

Heart given all that it could

But your beauty is unspoken

Perhaps even misunderstood

 

So I pick up all that is shattered

Molding you into a work of art

Proving to you that you’ve mattered

Precious gold flows from my heart

by Mac

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Heart

My breath catches, my heart flutters

I can’t breathe, my brain utters…

”Go forward, find peace, move on!”

But I can’t, because you are gone

It is so final and I so incomplete

I am a shell, my heart can’t beat

I would curse God, but I know

In my heart, I know, you had to go

by Mac

 

When Suicide Knocked

Suicide knocked three times, on the fourth knock it took you. It has been over four months that I have lived without you; it is unbearable. Is it really living when part of my heart is gone? I’m not sure. Perhaps it is only surviving from one minute to the next, one breath to the next. I must force my lungs to to inhale, my heart to beat and my feet to take step after step. How will I go on? I guess I will continue to learn. Whoever said, “It gets easier with time” was a damn lier. [It] gets harder everyday!

by Mac

Happiness Is

happiness is not found in one

happiness is not found in a thing

happiness is not what makes the world

happiness is not what makes me sing

happiness is only for the lucky few

happiness is only when I’m dreaming

happiness is such a fleeting memory

happiness is just for those living

daily I put on my mask of happiness

by Mac

The Sun

My heart may be broken, but I will not let it bring me to my knees
I will stand with my feet firmly planted and hands to the sky
Let the sun kiss my face and wind playfully tickle my skin
Dreaming of the lovely day we are together once again©

by Mac

Mother’s Day Sorrows

I never thought that I would be writing about grief for Mother’s Day. It has always been such a happy day for me. But, so many things have changed for me in the past year and a half, it is now a weight on my heart.

I have one child living and an angel child. In the last year between divorce, Philip’s death and my other child (Alex) coming out as transgender I look at pictures and don’t recognize my life anymore.

Mother’s Day two years ago, Katelyn (now Alex) and Philip (right).

This is not to say I am unhappy. I have a beautiful child living and a loving boyfriend; but the weight in my heart is heavy and the pain so raw. They say, “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” I’ve always believed this. But today, as Mother’s Day looms, I find myself planning to visit my child’s grave for the first time since he passed away 11 weeks ago.

My plan with Alex, for this day, we will go hiking at our favorite spot that we would go with Philip. We will release balloons to honor him. Alex encourages me to keep getting up each day and to continue being the best mom I can be. It is not easy; I would like to sleep through the day. I won’t though, I will put one foot in front of another, as I have every day since my sunshine left me.

-Mac

Our hiking spot the last time we went with Philip

The Best Medicine

Laughter, considered “the best medicine” and I would have to agree. Through so many of the hard moments that my son, Philip, faced, he still would laugh and smile. He was always trying to make others happy, even when he was holding the weight of the world on his shoulders. He had an amazing sense of humor, often very sarcastic like me.

When Philip passed away, I was adamant that his funeral not be somber, he wouldn’t have wanted that. He would want everyone to smile and laugh like he did, up until the end. So, we reminisced about his life and shared funny stories, for there are many involving him. It was amazing to hear others speak fondly of their own experiences with Philip and it uplifted us all during a very difficult time.

I still keep laughter in my life, even though there are days where I cannot hardly stop the tears. Some may feel guilt for having happiness when they have lost a loved one so tragically, but I do not. I know that laughter, happiness and a smile are all the things that keep Philip’s spirit alive. © -Mac

Seclusion

When you lose a child you feel like you are in a bubble. No one else can understand what you are going through. Every day they are all you think about as everyone around you moves on with life. Screaming in this cylindric orb, no one can hear you. Deep sobs of agony and no one can hear you. And still you roll through life attempting to get out, let go…be free. -Mac

Celebrating

Yesterday was my boyfriend’s birthday, a notable day. Celebrating life after a death is hard. But, we embraced the day and even decided to go where Philip had gone the day before he died, for his birthday- bowling. His energy was with us and we laughed and smiled, things I miss most about him. -Mac