Mother’s Day Sorrows

I never thought that I would be writing about grief for Mother’s Day. It has always been such a happy day for me. But, so many things have changed for me in the past year and a half, it is now a weight on my heart.

I have one child living and an angel child. In the last year between divorce, Philip’s death and my other child (Alex) coming out as transgender I look at pictures and don’t recognize my life anymore.

A765E116-C148-4B3B-B3A0-6BAD8334AA35

Mother’s Day two years ago, Katelyn (now Alex) and Philip (right).

This is not to say I am unhappy. I have a beautiful child living and a loving boyfriend; but the weight in my heart is heavy and the pain so raw. They say, “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” I’ve always believed this. But today, as Mother’s Day looms, I find myself planning to visit my child’s grave for the first time since he passed away 11 weeks ago.

My plan with Alex, for this day, we will go hiking at our favorite spot that we would go with Philip. We will release balloons to honor him. Alex encourages me to keep getting up each day and to continue being the best mom I can be. It is not easy; I would like to sleep through the day. I won’t though, I will put one foot in front of another, as I have every day since my sunshine left me.

-Mac

EFB1D7E7-E564-48F8-9A1B-D96A7C27E846

Our hiking spot the last time we went with Philip

Advertisements

5 Comments

Filed under Depression, Family, loss

The Best Medicine

041416_laughingscience_BODY

Laughter, considered “the best medicine” and I would have to agree. Through so many of the hard moments that my son, Philip, faced, he still would laugh and smile. He was always trying to make others happy, even when he was holding the weight of the world on his shoulders. He had an amazing sense of humor, often very sarcastic like me.

When Philip passed away, I was adamant that his funeral not be somber, he wouldn’t have wanted that. He would want everyone to smile and laugh like he did, up until the end. So, we reminisced about his life and shared funny stories, for there are many involving him. It was amazing to hear others speak fondly of their own experiences with Philip and it uplifted us all during a very difficult time.

I still keep laughter in my life, even though there are days where I cannot hardly stop the tears. Some may feel guilt for having happiness when they have lost a loved one so tragically, but I do not. I know that laughter, happiness and a smile are all the things that keep Philip’s spirit alive. © -Mac

5 Comments

Filed under humor, inspiration, loss

Seclusion

C40C25DF-AAFF-45AA-BADB-9047808100B2When you lose a child you feel like you are in a bubble. No one else can understand what you are going through. Every day they are all you think about as everyone around you moves on with life. Screaming in this cylindric orb, no one can hear you. Deep sobs of agony and no one can hear you. And still you roll through life attempting to get out, let go…be free. -Mac

1 Comment

Filed under Depression, loss

Celebrating

Yesterday was my boyfriend’s birthday, a notable day. Celebrating life after a death is hard. But, we embraced the day and even decided to go where Philip had gone the day before he died, for his birthday- bowling. His energy was with us and we laughed and smiled, things I miss most about him. -Mac

 

 

 

10 Comments

Filed under Depression, loss

Don’t Mistake

E2424DEA-49A6-49F6-9F66-72E1B1870A35

Don’t mistake my dry eyes and smile for being okay. I will never be alright again. I will wear my grief everywhere for the rest of my life, it’s part of me now. When I get through the day, have made it out of bed and chose to go into the world this day, I am choosing to live for the ones I love. But don’t mistake my living as moving on, I will never move on, I will only mark every life event as before or after. And please, don’t mistake when I have emotions as weakness, I am a strong mother f…er!
By Mac

Philip’s Mom (8 weeks today he’s been gone)

4 Comments

Filed under Depression, Family, inspiration, poetry

Wasted Away

BE7BBAA8-D5DE-4A50-900F-F64C6A13224B

My spirit is depleted and so run down

The sun doesn’t shine for me anymore

Overrun by weeds and under watered

I’m not able to grow in the darkness

Shriveled up and wasted away, dead

by Mac

 

2 Comments

Filed under Depression, Family, poetry

Childhood Memories

E877A031-DC82-4218-B275-C3243E802BE3.jpeg

You were in such a rush to grow

Oh how the time did go

Before I knew you’re ten plus seven

Then you left me for heaven

I miss my boy so much each day

Thinking of how you’d play

Games and toys, so many new things

Now are abandoned belongings

My heart is torn up and I often weep

But memories I’ll always keep

Even though they can be bitter sweet

Tightly held until again we meet

by Mac

 

 

14 Comments

Filed under Depression, Family, inspiration, poetry