Inhale, exhale and then do it again
Numb me, take me to a happier place
I wander in the darkness, bring me light
But, all you do is bring me deeper into night
Lost in a circle, yet it feels like a maze
When I think I’m at the end I start again
Push and pull, up and down, just one more
All I seem to do is live for the moments I soar©
Fallen to pieces, you’re broken
Heart given all that it could
But your beauty is unspoken
Perhaps even misunderstood
So I pick up all that is shattered
Molding you into a work of art
Proving to you that you’ve mattered
Precious gold flows from my heart
My breath catches, my heart flutters
I can’t breathe, my brain utters…
”Go forward, find peace, move on!”
But I can’t, because you are gone
It is so final and I so incomplete
I am a shell, my heart can’t beat
I would curse God, but I know
In my heart, I know, you had to go
Suicide knocked three times, on the fourth knock it took you. It has been over four months that I have lived without you; it is unbearable. Is it really living when part of my heart is gone? I’m not sure. Perhaps it is only surviving from one minute to the next, one breath to the next. I must force my lungs to to inhale, my heart to beat and my feet to take step after step. How will I go on? I guess I will continue to learn. Whoever said, “It gets easier with time” was a damn lier. [It] gets harder everyday!
happiness is not found in one
happiness is not found in a thing
happiness is not what makes the world
happiness is not what makes me sing
happiness is only for the lucky few
happiness is only when I’m dreaming
happiness is such a fleeting memory
happiness is just for those living
daily I put on my mask of happiness
My heart may be broken, but I will not let it bring me to my knees
I will stand with my feet firmly planted and hands to the sky
Let the sun kiss my face and wind playfully tickle my skin
Dreaming of the lovely day we are together once again©
I never thought that I would be writing about grief for Mother’s Day. It has always been such a happy day for me. But, so many things have changed for me in the past year and a half, it is now a weight on my heart.
I have one child living and an angel child. In the last year between divorce, Philip’s death and my other child (Alex) coming out as transgender I look at pictures and don’t recognize my life anymore.
Mother’s Day two years ago, Katelyn (now Alex) and Philip (right).
This is not to say I am unhappy. I have a beautiful child living and a loving boyfriend; but the weight in my heart is heavy and the pain so raw. They say, “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” I’ve always believed this. But today, as Mother’s Day looms, I find myself planning to visit my child’s grave for the first time since he passed away 11 weeks ago.
My plan with Alex, for this day, we will go hiking at our favorite spot that we would go with Philip. We will release balloons to honor him. Alex encourages me to keep getting up each day and to continue being the best mom I can be. It is not easy; I would like to sleep through the day. I won’t though, I will put one foot in front of another, as I have every day since my sunshine left me.
Our hiking spot the last time we went with Philip