“There are moments in life when it is all turned inside out–what is real becomes unreal, what is unreal becomes tangible, and all your levelheaded efforts to keep a tight ontological control are rendered silly and indulgent.” ~Aleksandar Hemon
“Hello, it’s me again!”
That is the voice of my depression within my mind, trying to take hold. The past few weeks have been full of much rain, thus very little sun. With this comes less activity, more closing myself up indoors, loss of Vitamin D and natural light. Next, the depression comes- tapping at first, then as time goes on, pounding! Really, depression has no manners and does not care if it is uninvited. When [it] tells you to “jump” well you often have no choice but to do so, because you begin losing control.
Recently I touched on my struggles with a piece called “Trudging Through Depression.” I had so much positive feedback and it was very encouraging. It is often hard to share about this chronic illness, but I have found much therapy in writing. I have also purposed not to keep my illness quiet, as I feel I can help others who struggle and educate those who do not understand. So, I will attempt to put into words what occurs when I have a “flare up” of sorts.
I can feel myself losing all sense of gumption to accomplish anything. The basic desire to get up off the couch, shower and dress for the day is diminished. It feels as though my body is weighted down and every movement takes much effort. My mind gets foggy, sometimes it is hard to concentrate and at other times it is hard to form fluid thoughts. I find myself getting ornery or even angry with those around me, other times I am just frustrated with myself. Finally, sleep and body begin to waver under the pull. I will either sleep a lot, or not be able to sleep enough. And the body aches are the final straw.
I am not filled with sadness, as many believe depression is all about. I don’t sit around crying, although I did when it first reared its ugly head. Yes, there are definitely heightened emotions present. For a woman I can put it in this perspective, think of your worst PMS mood and then multiply it by 100.
Although on medicine, these flare-ups do occur under the “right” circumstances, which is not too often. Triggers for me are weather (which is why we moved South), stress and a few other things. So, how do I pull myself out of the funk? Often I just ride the wave, which usually will fizzle out. But, I have learned through cognitive therapy some good ways to help myself. And, sometimes it is to take all the strength I can muster to just get myself out of the house and do that one thing I enjoy.
There is more I hope to share in the future. And, I’d love to hear from you. If you have questions or would like to know anything specific, I will try to answer the best I can.