Category Archives: Depression

R.I.P.

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Like a memory that is under the surface, void of cohesion
Struggles to figure out where it is or what sence it makes
So are the feelings of one as she, staring into the mirror
Who is this person? She is plainly no longer recognizable
A fog of memories surrounds her, drowning out all clarity
Still nothing comes of it, like a word stuck on your tongue
Wake her from this nightmare or better yet, let in the dark
A heart cannot bear the pounding and her lungs the weight
Falling into an abyss that has no beginning or any ending
With eyes now closed and future hid, she wanders aimless
Until at last her bones are buried and written here reads…
“Rest In Peace”
by Mac

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Filed under Depression, Life Lessons, Love of...

Am I Strong Enough?

I search into the abiss, pondering the choices in front of me
Considering all facets and still I remain torn from understanding

You leave me weak and frail yet I continue to need your cure
What is this hold that you have over me? Keeping my secrets hid

Please release me from this thing that is ruining my existence
Rather to be an empty vessel than to be owned by this cruel mind

Controversy is my bed fellow and strife is the mistress of all
Each moment that I am in their presence I am lost more to them

Yet it is of my own doing that I find myself entangled within
What will become of me? I know escape is only for the strongest©

by Mac

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Filed under Depression, Life Lessons

Life With Anxiety

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I’d like to touch on the topic of anxiety. This is a mental health ‘issue’ that touches my family immensely. Between myself and one of my children, we have the market cornered on life with anxiety. It is a genetically inherit trait, along with depression, both running on my side of the family. Unfortunately, my two teenage children and I have depression as well.

My youngest also suffers with social anxiety. Influencing all facets of life, from the struggle to be at extended family events, making friends, ordering a meal or engaging with a cashier. As a teenager these are things most would consider fairly mundane parts of life and take for granite even, but this is not the case here. The anxieties at times can affect life for the whole family. Unannounced anxiety enduced nausea or panic attacks; these can interrupt family outings or keep us from even making it out the door. And, although my two teens are best friends and can engage each other with ease, I do worry what life as an adult for my child will look like. Cognitive therapy (CBT) is a useful tool that we do have, but anxiety will still always play a part in life.

My anxieties are a bit less apparent as I do not have trouble with interactions or engaging in public. My anxiety tends to be in the form of stressful situations. I can have panic attacks when my mind takes over a situation. Whether I begin to feel claustrophobic or I feel like I may be in a confrontational situation. These can send me, but not always, which is the disconcerting part. I find having a strong mind and being in control, keep me centered and away from the panic attacks. Relaxation, meditation and time to myself are great therapies for me, along with good support from my family.

Life with anxiety does not have to be all-consuming, but it can be. However, overall I believe our family has learned to cope with it and just go with the flow most of the time. Afterall this is really all we can do, as well as, being super supportive and understanding of one another. Strength as a family unit is certainly a key part of successful daily living with mental health struggles.© ~Mac

 

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Filed under Beauty and Health, Depression

A Place Of Peace

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The world closes in and tries to overtake me
Pausing I meditate to block out the noise
Only then do I feel at peace and strong again
A new day with the power to take on life
Finding a will to move forward in my journey
Taking time to consider my weaknesses
Overcoming all that is in my way fearlessly 
I promise myself that I will not look back
Today will I find courage for all my tomorrows
Yesterday is gone and cannot be changed
Hanging on to the negative produces sorrows
Let go of all the darkness and find a light©

by Mac

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A Rain Song

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Lightning flashed in my eyes, but I could only hear the clap of thunder
Blinded by the shadows, nothing is clear
I felt like I was going under

The voices in my head got louder and they drowned out my quiet cries
Making me doubt myself and choices
They told me so many lies

My mistakes kept haunting me, as I continued searching for perfection
The end was in sight, to my head I held the trigger
Couldn’t find any objection

Sweet innocence was yesterday’s news, my only possession was shame
I quickly took one more breathe, as my life
The flash finally did claim

All I heard was the clap of thunder, then lightning struck me with a bang
I kept falling down, so very far down
Then my last words I sang

“Can anybody hear me as I scream out in pain?
Will anyone notice if I’m forever gone?

 Am I crying or is it just the rain?“©

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Filed under Depression, poetry, Uncategorized

Dear Agony

Agony: extreme and generally prolonged pain; intense physical or mental suffering (source)

Life has a way of battering, bruising and taking much from me. My gut has taken a beating. It actually feels like a few feet have taken turns kicking it in. Bedraggled and torn, that is me. My heart must look like a tattered and worn blanket at this point, full of holes; it surely has been used and abused by hard times and losses.

If you look at me you may see a smile on my face, it may even reach my dark, blue eyes. But, I’ve gotten good at hiding my pain and showing no fear. In fact, I have learned to swallow my tears and breathe through the agony. Just please, don’t let one more person ask how I’m doing, dear God!

Depression, anxiety or any other struggle that takes a toll on the mind, body and soul– well you may know exactly what I’m talking about! Or perhaps you have a loved one that suffers from mental illness. It can be nearly as hard, yet an inability to fully understand or help, this can leave you feeling helpless.

Empathy can truly be a breath of fresh air, finding a person that understands the path you’re on. Sympathy is also an amazing gift, but can feel like a slap in the face too. No one wants to feel like a basket-case that you pitty or are sorry for, especially during an already very low, difficult time. So, while you love and care for that person in your life, be sure that you work together to find ways that make them feel positive about your compassion for them.

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I have felt for years that depression was my journey to go alone. My husband could not fully understand this struggle, so it was not his to help me through. In taking this approach I pushed him away every time I was faced with a low. After all, it is my illness and my difficulty. But, after nearly 16 years of taking this attitude, I will tell you, it was to my detriment. Over time, I have injured our relationship in a myriad of ways, in “going it alone”!

I don’t know why I have felt the need to do [this]. My thought process, he couldn’t possibly understand all the thoughts and dark places that my mind goes. The ups and downs, anger and sadness, all that runs through my mind, perhaps within five minutes! But, I often haven’t even give him a chance to comprehend where I am or consider ways he may make my journey easier. No, he can’t remove this burden from me, but he can help to alleviate some of the weight and pain, and even brighten some of the darkness.

We have recently decided to come up with a plan to put in place for when I am completely consumed with my emotions; times where I get so dark and tend to push everyone away. These are the times when I actually need people the most, but tend to be in too deep a fog to know how to even help myself, let alone tell someone else how they can help. My mind can be so weak that it will go to places that it should not and would not otherwise, go. I feel like I am a different person, looking from the outside in, like an out-of-body experience, almost. I don’t even know the person looking back at me in the mirror sometimes. My poems Counterfeit Identity and I Feel Like A Monster are poignant in regards to these feelings. 

Create An Action Plan (6 Ways To Support A Spouse Living With Depression)
This is the most important tip I have to share about this topic. Sit down with your spouse on a good day — a day where they’re feeling happy and calm. Open up a dialogue to co-create an action plan for their low days. How do they want to approach those days? What would they like to experience on those days? And what would help them shift through those days? As the spouse of someone with depression, it’s easy to unconsciously become an enabler by giving into their behavior or letting them slump around the house for days on end because it’s harder to confront them. Don’t let that happen! Co-create an action plan to inspire them to get through those days so they can shift into a happier state of mind. For example, I told my husband that yoga always helps me feel better and even if I have zero desire to leave the house, a yoga class has the power to shift my energy. On my low days my husband will always suggest yoga, and that serves as a reminder of the beautiful action plan we co-created to help get me through those horrible days.

When in the right frame of mind, I and Hubby have come up with our “Action Plan.” These are things that are positive for me, help my mind focus away from the negative and can aide in bringing me out of my low (even if for only a short time).  The list includes things such as: foot massages, bubble baths, ice cream, music and journaling. These are things that I don’t do on a regular basis, but are treats that help me feel well. Most are done with the help of Hubby, because he needs to be involved. If I need my space, he is still there, but in a different capacity. Even these small changes have a big impact, not only on me and my depression, but on our relationship. I highly recommend an action plan! 

Now, I am looking to the future and trying to not deal with my agony all alone, because we are a team, and a team works together. One may have strengths where the other has weaknesses and vice-versa. That is how a team works; they are there for one another, cheering thee other on when they go up against an opponent. So, go team Mac! ©

**Find the song “Dear Agony” by Breaking Benjamin, my inspiration for this piece, HERE.

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Filed under Beauty and Health, Depression

This War

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You come with hopes to destroy

Everything that I hold dear

Looking to take my joy

A struggle builds, my wall tatters

War injures without mercy 

Until nothing matters

Shattered, broken and also maimed

I’m no longer of a sound mind 

A victory you’ve claimed

My defenses you have torn asunder

Coming in you take your fill

My mind you plunder

Your tenticles reaching in, attack

Find the weakest parts of me

On them you’ll snack

Until I’m just a broken, empty vessel

Nothing but a worthless shell

With darkness I wrestle

Depression is a well trained opponent

This war continues for my mind

One day I hope to own it©

by Mac

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Filed under Depression, poetry