Category Archives: Depression

My Heart

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My breath catches, my heart flutters

I can’t breathe, my brain utters…

”Go forward, find peace, move on!”

But I can’t, because you are gone

It is so final and I so incomplete

I am a shell, my heart can’t beat

I would curse God, but I know

In my heart, I know, you had to go

by Mac

 

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Filed under Depression, loss, poetry, suicide

When Suicide Knocked

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Suicide knocked three times, on the fourth knock it took you. It has been over four months that I have lived without you; it is unbearable. Is it really living when part of my heart is gone? I’m not sure. Perhaps it is only surviving from one minute to the next, one breath to the next. I must force my lungs to to inhale, my heart to beat and my feet to take step after step. How will I go on? I guess I will continue to learn. Whoever said, “It gets easier with time” was a damn lier. [It] gets harder everyday!

by Mac

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Filed under Depression, Life Lessons, loss, suicide

Happiness Is

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happiness is not found in one

happiness is not found in a thing

happiness is not what makes the world

happiness is not what makes me sing

happiness is only for the lucky few

happiness is only when I’m dreaming

happiness is such a fleeting memory

happiness is just for those living

daily I put on my mask of happiness

by Mac

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Filed under Depression, loss, poetry

The Sun

My heart may be broken, but I will not let it bring me to my knees
I will stand with my feet firmly planted and hands to the sky
Let the sun kiss my face and wind playfully tickle my skin
Dreaming of the lovely day we are together once again©

by Mac

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Filed under Depression, inspiration, loss, Uncategorized

Mother’s Day Sorrows

I never thought that I would be writing about grief for Mother’s Day. It has always been such a happy day for me. But, so many things have changed for me in the past year and a half, it is now a weight on my heart.

I have one child living and an angel child. In the last year between divorce, Philip’s death and my other child (Alex) coming out as transgender I look at pictures and don’t recognize my life anymore.

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Mother’s Day two years ago, Katelyn (now Alex) and Philip (right).

This is not to say I am unhappy. I have a beautiful child living and a loving boyfriend; but the weight in my heart is heavy and the pain so raw. They say, “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” I’ve always believed this. But today, as Mother’s Day looms, I find myself planning to visit my child’s grave for the first time since he passed away 11 weeks ago.

My plan with Alex, for this day, we will go hiking at our favorite spot that we would go with Philip. We will release balloons to honor him. Alex encourages me to keep getting up each day and to continue being the best mom I can be. It is not easy; I would like to sleep through the day. I won’t though, I will put one foot in front of another, as I have every day since my sunshine left me.

-Mac

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Our hiking spot the last time we went with Philip

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Filed under Depression, Family, loss

Seclusion

C40C25DF-AAFF-45AA-BADB-9047808100B2When you lose a child you feel like you are in a bubble. No one else can understand what you are going through. Every day they are all you think about as everyone around you moves on with life. Screaming in this cylindric orb, no one can hear you. Deep sobs of agony and no one can hear you. And still you roll through life attempting to get out, let go…be free. -Mac

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Filed under Depression, loss

Celebrating

Yesterday was my boyfriend’s birthday, a notable day. Celebrating life after a death is hard. But, we embraced the day and even decided to go where Philip had gone the day before he died, for his birthday- bowling. His energy was with us and we laughed and smiled, things I miss most about him. -Mac

 

 

 

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Filed under Depression, loss