I never thought that I would be writing about grief for Mother’s Day. It has always been such a happy day for me. But, so many things have changed for me in the past year and a half, it is now a weight on my heart.
I have one child living and an angel child. In the last year between divorce, Philip’s death and my other child (Alex) coming out as transgender I look at pictures and don’t recognize my life anymore.
Mother’s Day two years ago, Katelyn (now Alex) and Philip (right).
This is not to say I am unhappy. I have a beautiful child living and a loving boyfriend; but the weight in my heart is heavy and the pain so raw. They say, “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” I’ve always believed this. But today, as Mother’s Day looms, I find myself planning to visit my child’s grave for the first time since he passed away 11 weeks ago.
My plan with Alex, for this day, we will go hiking at our favorite spot that we would go with Philip. We will release balloons to honor him. Alex encourages me to keep getting up each day and to continue being the best mom I can be. It is not easy; I would like to sleep through the day. I won’t though, I will put one foot in front of another, as I have every day since my sunshine left me.
Our hiking spot the last time we went with Philip
Don’t mistake my dry eyes and smile for being okay. I will never be alright again. I will wear my grief everywhere for the rest of my life, it’s part of me now. When I get through the day, have made it out of bed and chose to go into the world this day, I am choosing to live for the ones I love. But don’t mistake my living as moving on, I will never move on, I will only mark every life event as before or after. And please, don’t mistake when I have emotions as weakness, I am a strong mother f…er!
Philip’s Mom (8 weeks today he’s been gone)
My spirit is depleted and so run down
The sun doesn’t shine for me anymore
Overrun by weeds and under watered
I’m not able to grow in the darkness
Shriveled up and wasted away, dead
You were in such a rush to grow
Oh how the time did go
Before I knew you’re ten plus seven
Then you left me for heaven
I miss my boy so much each day
Thinking of how you’d play
Games and toys, so many new things
Now are abandoned belongings
My heart is torn up and I often weep
But memories I’ll always keep
Even though they can be bitter sweet
Tightly held until again we meet
my emotions are so raw
i’m on the floor crying
pouring out my heart
can you hear me now?
each tear is a scream
going out to the universe
demanding answers, i plead
cursing and accusing him
then i pick myself up
i’m stronger than i knew
living to fight this pain
looking for a ray of sun
seeking a purpose in today
hoping for a better tomorrow
always remembering yesterday
believing i will survive
There are many intense emotions that come with losing a loved one to suicide. One of those feelings is abandonment. The loss of a child like I am experiencing has not brought on that emotion too much for me. But, his younger brother, also considered his best friend, is struggling a bit with this.
The feeling of being left behind is common. Not the desire to die so much, but the feeling that he wasn’t good enough to stay here for. I have spoken in detail with my youngest and he is really staying in touch with his emotions in all of this. Also struggling with mental illness himself, he has insight to the struggle his brother faced. This does not make it any less difficult, but it does help him with perspective.
We all are here, left behind to pick of the pieces without him. Yes, it can give way to hard emotions to deal with. And, we all mourn in our own way. It is just coming to terms with the fact that nothing could have been different then what you did. And that you can and will survive. ©Mac
I can’t even comprehend how the world keeps turning
People frantically moving, life continuing without you
How do I even take the next breathe, make eyes blink?
You were…are, my beautiful boy and will be always! ©
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