Mother’s Day Sorrows

I never thought that I would be writing about grief for Mother’s Day. It has always been such a happy day for me. But, so many things have changed for me in the past year and a half, it is now a weight on my heart.

I have one child living and an angel child. In the last year between divorce, Philip’s death and my other child (Alex) coming out as transgender I look at pictures and don’t recognize my life anymore.

Mother’s Day two years ago, Katelyn (now Alex) and Philip (right).

This is not to say I am unhappy. I have a beautiful child living and a loving boyfriend; but the weight in my heart is heavy and the pain so raw. They say, “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” I’ve always believed this. But today, as Mother’s Day looms, I find myself planning to visit my child’s grave for the first time since he passed away 11 weeks ago.

My plan with Alex, for this day, we will go hiking at our favorite spot that we would go with Philip. We will release balloons to honor him. Alex encourages me to keep getting up each day and to continue being the best mom I can be. It is not easy; I would like to sleep through the day. I won’t though, I will put one foot in front of another, as I have every day since my sunshine left me.

-Mac

Our hiking spot the last time we went with Philip

Don’t Mistake

Don’t mistake my dry eyes and smile for being okay. I will never be alright again. I will wear my grief everywhere for the rest of my life, it’s part of me now. When I get through the day, have made it out of bed and chose to go into the world this day, I am choosing to live for the ones I love. But don’t mistake my living as moving on, I will never move on, I will only mark every life event as before or after. And please, don’t mistake when I have emotions as weakness, I am a strong mother f…er!
By Mac

Philip’s Mom (8 weeks today he’s been gone)

Wasted Away

My spirit is depleted and so run down

The sun doesn’t shine for me anymore

Overrun by weeds and under watered

I’m not able to grow in the darkness

Shriveled up and wasted away, dead

by Mac

 

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Childhood Memories

You were in such a rush to grow

Oh how the time did go

Before I knew you’re ten plus seven

Then you left me for heaven

I miss my boy so much each day

Thinking of how you’d play

Games and toys, so many new things

Now are abandoned belongings

My heart is torn up and I often weep

But memories I’ll always keep

Even though they can be bitter sweet

Tightly held until again we meet

by Mac

 

 

Living In Pain

my emotions are so raw

i’m on the floor crying

pouring out my heart

can you hear me now?

each tear is a scream

going out to the universe

demanding answers, i plead

cursing and accusing him

 

then i pick myself up

i’m stronger than i knew

living to fight this pain

looking for a ray of sun

seeking a purpose in today

hoping for a better tomorrow

always remembering yesterday

believing i will survive

by Mac

 

Abandoned

There are many intense emotions that come with losing a loved one to suicide. One of those feelings is abandonment. The loss of a child like I am experiencing has not brought on that emotion too much for me. But, his younger brother, also considered his best friend, is struggling a bit with this.

The feeling of being left behind is common. Not the desire to die so much, but the feeling that he wasn’t good enough to stay here for. I have spoken in detail with my youngest and he is really staying in touch with his emotions in all of this. Also struggling with mental illness himself, he has insight to the struggle his brother faced. This does not make it any less difficult, but it does help him with perspective.

We all are here, left behind to pick of the pieces without him. Yes, it can give way to hard emotions to deal with. And, we all mourn in our own way. It is just coming to terms with the fact that nothing could have been different then what you did. And that you can and will survive. ©Mac

How Do I Even?

I can’t even comprehend how the world keeps turning
People frantically moving, life continuing without you
How do I even take the next breathe, make eyes blink?
You were…are, my beautiful boy and will be always! ©

Help Me In My Time Of Loss: Go Fund Me

Philip ©

Once More

Once More

Hold me once more
Arms of my child embrace
Once more let me see your face
Son of mine, it is you that I adore

Forever is way too long
Just let me see you once more
Your smile makes my heart soar
And your laughter is my soul’s song

Once more I would say
‘Love you with all my heart’
Death has taken and torn us apart
However, I will see you again one day©

by Mac

One month, Friday, March 23, could you really have come and gone already? It has been one month since I lost a piece of my heart, my sweet 17 year old boy. His smile and laughter forever gone from this world. His wisdom beyond years, intelligence and desire to learn, snuffed out too soon. Oh, please tell me that I am in the midst of a terrible dream, nightmare, let me wake up and find you are safe in your bed. The only darkness surrounding me being the lack of the sunshine, it no longer comes to see me. But alas, it is my reality…© Mac

Help Me In My Time Of Loss: Go Fund Me

 

 

 

Unanswered

Help Me In My Time Of Loss: Go Fund Me

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention fundraiser

Suicide is not something that is easy to understand and even more difficult to talk about. From the perspective of a mom that just lost my oldest child to [it] even more are the questions that go unanswered.

The “whys”– Why did he have to struggle with such a burden? Why couldn’t I do more? Why did he feel he had no other options? Why, why, why…

The “hows”– How could he leave me? How will we all go on? How will I find the strength to survive this? How, how, how…

The “whats”– What could we have done differently? What is the purpose of God giving me a beautiful child for 17 years, just to take him back? What will I do in this life without him…

Philip (right) with his younger brother Alex (left)

As a mom, but also someone that personally struggles with mental illness, it was a double hit to the heart when he was first diagnosed. I knew the genetics came from me; my father’s side of the family is ravaged by terrible mental illnesses. But, as a mom, I couldn’t understand why such a sensitive soul would be dealt this hardship. He had such potential, was so smart, creative and so full of love to give. But, within two years, he would be gone…just gone.

The fact is, I have come to the realization that there really will never be an “answer.” I knew what his reasoning was and to him it made perfect sense. He loved everyone he knew, it was the world he could not stand to be part of. In the end, all he could see was his lack of purpose for being here. I could not make him see that his purpose was just this– to be my son, my heart, the breathe in my lungs… my very existence.©

by Mac

A poem to my son, Philip I Want You To Know

 

 

No Kidding

When I try to think of the last time I laughed to the point of tears
I would say it has not been for years
But, my oldest is a dark thinker and so his jokes can mirror that
Like the time that he spoke of a dead cat
Or when he talked about a dyslexic, insomniac and an agnostic
The punch lines are sometimes caustic
But when he giggles along with those people that he is telling
I see myself and my heart it is swelling
Growing up, I have always really enjoyed making others laugh
Hearing those giggles, even if it’s a gaffe
At my own expense it can be embarrassing, but is worth it too
When chuckling is done at me by you©

by Mac