Category Archives: humor

Caged Up

Talk about a wild animal. No one has ever seen someone that is about to loose their $**t like me, sick as death warmed over, and unable to leave the confines of my house! For. A. WEEK! Thank God for my family and friends of the online sort, all keeping my sane. And of course, WordPress for being my outlet to the world going on without me. Stuck inside!

I had already about poo-pooed the idea of the holidays this year anyway. So, what was one more thing like being on death’s door to add to the mix!? I mean really, having company from out of town, who doesn’t want to be greeted by a snot nosed, lung hacking, puffy eyed…beauty? Oh my! Yeah, I made the holidays all kinds of magical for everyone who got to hear my chain saw voice and seal barks.

And, as sharing is caring. I now have two sick teenagers. Those who were suppose to return to lessons today, but instead are now sick on the couch. Pray for me people, if you care about me at all…hubby has yet to show signs, but…

a_caged_animal_who_wants_out___by_jessangel2003

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Filed under humor, Uncategorized

Resolve This

“The aftertaste of New Year’s Eve parties wears on me for the same reason I am not much for resolutions. Dusting off a stepper because we switched out our calendar is pointless. After all, society also conditions that most will whiff their resolutions by January 3rd, at which point one is to abandon the resolutions utterly and feel guilty as one devours a box of Christmas chocolates.”~Thomm Quackenbush, A Creature Was Stirring

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Well, here we are, the New Year! And what is the first thing that many people are asking me about or worse, sharing (which I could really care less about)? Their New Years resolution! UGH!

Stop! I do not care what you have resolved to do! No, really, I hate the cliche’ “New Year’s Resolution”! You may be reading this right now and asking, “Why?” or “Aren’t you hoping to have a good, accomplished year, with goals?” Well, yes, of course. But, how that is accomplished has NOTHING to do with the New Year.

I do not need the mark of a new year, a new month, a new week or even a new day to decide that I am going to change. Now, why this has become the norm; well, we seem as a society to enjoy marking life changes with fantastic “Pomp and Circumstance.” But, so often, as the quote above implies, these resolutions are short lived.

If you want to really make changes, set goals and accomplish great things (or even mediocre) then just resolve to not make a New Year’s resolution. Instead, dig deep, work hard, set goals and do your best to stick with them. But, if something happens, it is okay. Failure, mistakes, and loss of perspective are all normal. For many though, these will be the things that make them give up on their resolution as fast as they made it!

But, realize this, here and now, a resolution does not make or break your success in this 2017 year! Yes, I just said that! Go on now, why don’t you say it too? Happy New Year!

 

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Filed under humor, Life Lessons

Warning Labels

warning-label

Recently I have come to the conclusion that everyone should be required to where a warning label. You know like “Contents may contain a hot mess” or “Requires frequent coddling”! Man, people are just so complicated. It would really make life a hell of a lot easier if we knew what to expect! Don’t you think?

personal-warning-sign

I’m certainly not exempt! I think my labels of late would read something like, “Makes frequent stops to mope!” In fact, I believe that it would probably be easier for those who first met me to know what they should beware of from the get-go. So, I’ve created a list of warning labels for myself. For the good of you all, of course!

Approach with caution, no, seriously”

May contain nuts, actually she’s crazy

Requires adult supervision, I’m needy”

“Baby on board- Oh, you thought I meant a kid”

“May contain…no likely contains, alcohol”

You break it, you buy it”

“This product has been tested on men”

“Take in small doses with plenty of patience”

“Watch out for falling sarcasm”

“When taken with alcohol you may die laughing”

“Please do not feed the hormones”

“Object may appear to be fine when not”

“Not permitted to have serious conversations after 9PM”

“Poisonous: Keep out of reach of idiots, I speak my mind”

“Caution: Addicting”  

warninglabels

 

 

 

 

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Filed under humor, Life Lessons

My Poison

My desire for you is so strong
Yet I know that it is all wrong
I should really try to fight
This poison is my plight

Wanting to placate
Needing to satiate
Always full but never satisfied
In my head you are amplified

I love your sweet taste
Oh please make great haste
Strawberries are quite nice
But my mood is for spice

I want to devour all
Consume you ’til I fall
Binge until I could burst
An unquenchable thirst

This hunger is so great
But then comes the weight
With you I am at enmity
Oh food, you are my enemy

Always full but never satisfied
In my head you are amplified
My desire for you is so strong
Yet I know that it is all wrong!

©My Poison by SBDMB (MM)

Here comes the holiday food and there goes my diet!

taste-that-strawberry-picjumbo-com

 

 

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Filed under humor, Love of..., poetry

You Say Ostentatious, I Say…

I must admit I had to look up this word “ostentatious.” I enjoy using big words, and yes, I have heard this word before. But, I needed some context. I don’t just like to throw around large words, I’m not pernicious, you know!

As a writer and lover of the English language, I quite enjoy Thesaurus.com and highly recommend it. In looking up our “Daily Word Prompt” I found there to be quite a great list of synonyms for ostentatious. And, would you believe it? My name and photo were there too! Right under “conspicuous, flamboyant and glittery”…yes, that’s me!

glitter

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Filed under humor

Perks A Lot

The topic of coffee of course comes to mind when using the word percolate. And, being my favorite “thing” I couldn’t let the opportunity go by without a bit about the subject.

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“A coffee percolator is a type of pot used for complex brewing of coffee by continually cycling the boiling or nearly boiling brew through the grounds using gravity until the required strength is reached.

The percolating coffee pot was invented by the American-born British physicist and soldier Count Rumford, otherwise known as Sir Benjamin Thompson (1753–1814). He invented a percolating coffee pot between 1810 and 1814 following his pioneering work with the Bavarian Army, where he improved the soldiers’ diet as well as their clothing. It was his abhorrence of alcohol and his dislike for tea that led him to promote the use of coffee for its stimulating benefits. For his efforts, in 1791, he was named a Count of the Holy Roman Empire, and granted the formal title of Reichsgraf von Rumford.” Source

Wow! First, I guess we know he’s “American-born” because he disliked tea! But most importantly, can I just say, I find this quite amazing. For inventing this ingenious way of brewing coffee a man was given a title! I wonder if there are any titles lying around for someone who loves coffee as much as I do? Perhaps there is a formal knighting, of sorts, for coffee connoisseurs? My name would be “Dame Brews’olot” Oh man, I doubt it, but one can dream. I suppose I could always settle with a “Coffee Connoisseurs Club.”

**P.S. I did see that he was not given the title for his invention, I took some creative liberties.**

pircalate

 

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Filed under humor, Love of...

Some Say It Southern

Came across this great sign the other day. As a transplant to the South I’m still learning to translate some of the sayings, and man is there a bunch! Often things are stated with quite a fiery passion and other times just good ol’ southern charm. So, in an effort to understand better, I recently came across a great piece written by another “Yankee” transplant to the South. Thought I’d share a snippet of hers and some more Southern sayings, below. I hope you enjoy and maybe get a giggle or two! 

“Translating Southern Sayings”

by- Copyright ©2015 Stephanie Henkel

As a transplanted Yankee living in the South, I am often surprised and amazed by the colorful Southern things I hear. Of course, there are the good old standbys we all know and love, like “y’all” and “down yonder.” But the richness of Southern speech goes far beyond one or two-word expressions and there’s a Southern expression for every occasion.

While their images and colloquialisms tickle the funny bone, Southern expressions usually convey exactly what the speaker intended. No one can mistake the intent and meaning of “I’m going to jerk a knot in your tail!” On the other hand, there are some Southernisms that it might take a Yankee like me years to figure out without a translator.

Whether you are from another part of the country or from another country altogether, I hope you enjoy this collection of Southern sayings.

Southern Expressions We Couldn’t Do Without:

  • Y’all.
  • All y’all.
  • Down yonder.
  • Bless your pea-pickin’ little heart!
  • Kiss my go-to-hell.
  • I wouldn’t walk across the street to piss on him if he was on fire.
  • If you can’t run with the big dogs, stay under the porch.
  • Why so sad? Did Chevrolet stop makin’ trucks?
  • Deep in the South where sushi is still called bait.
  • He’s about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.
  • That sticks in your throat like a hair in a biscuit.
  • You’re so fulla s**t your eyes are brown.
  • He was as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a roomful of rocking chairs.
  • He couldn’t carry a tune if he had a bucket with a lid on it.”

What is a saying that might be more common to your part of the country or world that others would find interesting, funny or hard to understand? Share in the comments!

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Filed under humor, nature-photography