Fallen to pieces, you’re broken
Heart given all that it could
But your beauty is unspoken
Perhaps even misunderstood
So I pick up all that is shattered
Molding you into a work of art
Proving to you that you’ve mattered
Precious gold flows from my heart
My heart may be broken, but I will not let it bring me to my knees
I will stand with my feet firmly planted and hands to the sky
Let the sun kiss my face and wind playfully tickle my skin
Dreaming of the lovely day we are together once again©
Laughter, considered “the best medicine” and I would have to agree. Through so many of the hard moments that my son, Philip, faced, he still would laugh and smile. He was always trying to make others happy, even when he was holding the weight of the world on his shoulders. He had an amazing sense of humor, often very sarcastic like me.
When Philip passed away, I was adamant that his funeral not be somber, he wouldn’t have wanted that. He would want everyone to smile and laugh like he did, up until the end. So, we reminisced about his life and shared funny stories, for there are many involving him. It was amazing to hear others speak fondly of their own experiences with Philip and it uplifted us all during a very difficult time.
I still keep laughter in my life, even though there are days where I cannot hardly stop the tears. Some may feel guilt for having happiness when they have lost a loved one so tragically, but I do not. I know that laughter, happiness and a smile are all the things that keep Philip’s spirit alive. © -Mac
Don’t mistake my dry eyes and smile for being okay. I will never be alright again. I will wear my grief everywhere for the rest of my life, it’s part of me now. When I get through the day, have made it out of bed and chose to go into the world this day, I am choosing to live for the ones I love. But don’t mistake my living as moving on, I will never move on, I will only mark every life event as before or after. And please, don’t mistake when I have emotions as weakness, I am a strong mother f…er!
Philip’s Mom (8 weeks today he’s been gone)
You were in such a rush to grow
Oh how the time did go
Before I knew you’re ten plus seven
Then you left me for heaven
I miss my boy so much each day
Thinking of how you’d play
Games and toys, so many new things
Now are abandoned belongings
My heart is torn up and I often weep
But memories I’ll always keep
Even though they can be bitter sweet
Tightly held until again we meet
my emotions are so raw
i’m on the floor crying
pouring out my heart
can you hear me now?
each tear is a scream
going out to the universe
demanding answers, i plead
cursing and accusing him
then i pick myself up
i’m stronger than i knew
living to fight this pain
looking for a ray of sun
seeking a purpose in today
hoping for a better tomorrow
always remembering yesterday
believing i will survive
There are many intense emotions that come with losing a loved one to suicide. One of those feelings is abandonment. The loss of a child like I am experiencing has not brought on that emotion too much for me. But, his younger brother, also considered his best friend, is struggling a bit with this.
The feeling of being left behind is common. Not the desire to die so much, but the feeling that he wasn’t good enough to stay here for. I have spoken in detail with my youngest and he is really staying in touch with his emotions in all of this. Also struggling with mental illness himself, he has insight to the struggle his brother faced. This does not make it any less difficult, but it does help him with perspective.
We all are here, left behind to pick of the pieces without him. Yes, it can give way to hard emotions to deal with. And, we all mourn in our own way. It is just coming to terms with the fact that nothing could have been different then what you did. And that you can and will survive. ©Mac