Reblogging from Dec 2016
Southern By Design
Recently I have come to the conclusion that everyone should be required to where a warning label. You know like “Contents may contain a hot mess” or “Requires frequent coddling”! Man, people are just so complicated. It would really make life a hell of a lot easier if we knew what to expect! Don’t you think?
I’m certainly not exempt! I think my labels of late would read something like, “Makes frequent stops to mope!” In fact, I believe that it would probably be easier for those who first met me to know what they should beware of from the get-go. So, I’ve created a list of warning labels for myself. For the good of you all, of course!
“Approach with caution, no, seriously”
“May contain nuts, actually she’s crazy“
“Requires adult supervision, I’m needy”
“Baby on board- Oh, you thought I meant a kid”
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There are many intense emotions that come with losing a loved one to suicide. One of those feelings is abandonment. The loss of a child like I am experiencing has not brought on that emotion too much for me. But, his younger brother, also considered his best friend, is struggling a bit with this.
The feeling of being left behind is common. Not the desire to die so much, but the feeling that he wasn’t good enough to stay here for. I have spoken in detail with my youngest and he is really staying in touch with his emotions in all of this. Also struggling with mental illness himself, he has insight to the struggle his brother faced. This does not make it any less difficult, but it does help him with perspective.
We all are here, left behind to pick of the pieces without him. Yes, it can give way to hard emotions to deal with. And, we all mourn in our own way. It is just coming to terms with the fact that nothing could have been different then what you did. And that you can and will survive. ©Mac
What did you expect of me? You let me go and set me free
I wouldn’t fly or spread my wings? I wouldn’t do new things?
Like a dog that runs away, doesn’t heed when you say stay
Because a little child I’m not, doesn’t listen to you on the spot
So don’t ignore the change you see, I’m not who I use to be
I make new choices for myself, no one can put me on a shelf
Took control of who I am, and now I don’t give one damn
What do you expect of me? Well, no more, because I’m free©
I wasn’t brave enough, the first time, to let you go
So I stumbled in the darkness instead
Looking for a light that I don’t think existed
Grasping at the air and reaching for something, anything
Not sure when I stopped caring about tomorrows
I just wasn’t brave enough, the first time, but now I know©
A simple gesture, a hand on mine, skin to skin
Touches me deeper than one could imagine
Never realized how foreign it could feel
Until you reached in and warmed me
Were the gods looking down on this moment?
Did they see my brokeness and yours too?
Two lost souls destined to be haunted?
No, our pasts do not taint us here!
So, can there be something so true?
As a second chance come along
If I am to believe this, and I do
Then this is where I belong
Here I ascend into you©
My knees buckle and I feel my skin begin to prickle
I know that fear has me in its cross-hairs again
What shall I do? Just crumbel, let fear win?
No! I will not succumb, I will not give in!©
Released my soul, I set it free, but it keeps coming back to me
I told it lies, called it names, but says it loves me all the same
So now I can’t feel a thing, but also no joy does anything bring
Emptied of all the bitter pain, but then nothing does remain©
See another piece if you like this one: “Darkness Remains“
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