Tag Archives: child

My Heart

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My breath catches, my heart flutters

I can’t breathe, my brain utters…

”Go forward, find peace, move on!”

But I can’t, because you are gone

It is so final and I so incomplete

I am a shell, my heart can’t beat

I would curse God, but I know

In my heart, I know, you had to go

by Mac

 

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Filed under Depression, loss, poetry, suicide

Mother’s Day Sorrows

I never thought that I would be writing about grief for Mother’s Day. It has always been such a happy day for me. But, so many things have changed for me in the past year and a half, it is now a weight on my heart.

I have one child living and an angel child. In the last year between divorce, Philip’s death and my other child (Alex) coming out as transgender I look at pictures and don’t recognize my life anymore.

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Mother’s Day two years ago, Katelyn (now Alex) and Philip (right).

This is not to say I am unhappy. I have a beautiful child living and a loving boyfriend; but the weight in my heart is heavy and the pain so raw. They say, “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” I’ve always believed this. But today, as Mother’s Day looms, I find myself planning to visit my child’s grave for the first time since he passed away 11 weeks ago.

My plan with Alex, for this day, we will go hiking at our favorite spot that we would go with Philip. We will release balloons to honor him. Alex encourages me to keep getting up each day and to continue being the best mom I can be. It is not easy; I would like to sleep through the day. I won’t though, I will put one foot in front of another, as I have every day since my sunshine left me.

-Mac

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Our hiking spot the last time we went with Philip

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Filed under Depression, Family, loss

Seclusion

C40C25DF-AAFF-45AA-BADB-9047808100B2When you lose a child you feel like you are in a bubble. No one else can understand what you are going through. Every day they are all you think about as everyone around you moves on with life. Screaming in this cylindric orb, no one can hear you. Deep sobs of agony and no one can hear you. And still you roll through life attempting to get out, let go…be free. -Mac

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Filed under Depression, loss

Celebrating

Yesterday was my boyfriend’s birthday, a notable day. Celebrating life after a death is hard. But, we embraced the day and even decided to go where Philip had gone the day before he died, for his birthday- bowling. His energy was with us and we laughed and smiled, things I miss most about him. -Mac

 

 

 

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Don’t Mistake

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Don’t mistake my dry eyes and smile for being okay. I will never be alright again. I will wear my grief everywhere for the rest of my life, it’s part of me now. When I get through the day, have made it out of bed and chose to go into the world this day, I am choosing to live for the ones I love. But don’t mistake my living as moving on, I will never move on, I will only mark every life event as before or after. And please, don’t mistake when I have emotions as weakness, I am a strong mother f…er!
By Mac

Philip’s Mom (8 weeks today he’s been gone)

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Filed under Depression, Family, inspiration, poetry

Childhood Memories

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You were in such a rush to grow

Oh how the time did go

Before I knew you’re ten plus seven

Then you left me for heaven

I miss my boy so much each day

Thinking of how you’d play

Games and toys, so many new things

Now are abandoned belongings

My heart is torn up and I often weep

But memories I’ll always keep

Even though they can be bitter sweet

Tightly held until again we meet

by Mac

 

 

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Filed under Depression, Family, inspiration, poetry

Living In Pain

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my emotions are so raw

i’m on the floor crying

pouring out my heart

can you hear me now?

each tear is a scream

going out to the universe

demanding answers, i plead

cursing and accusing him

 

then i pick myself up

i’m stronger than i knew

living to fight this pain

looking for a ray of sun

seeking a purpose in today

hoping for a better tomorrow

always remembering yesterday

believing i will survive

by Mac

 

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Filed under Depression, Family, inspiration, poetry