My breath catches, my heart flutters
I can’t breathe, my brain utters…
”Go forward, find peace, move on!”
But I can’t, because you are gone
It is so final and I so incomplete
I am a shell, my heart can’t beat
I would curse God, but I know
In my heart, I know, you had to go
happiness is not found in one
happiness is not found in a thing
happiness is not what makes the world
happiness is not what makes me sing
happiness is only for the lucky few
happiness is only when I’m dreaming
happiness is such a fleeting memory
happiness is just for those living
daily I put on my mask of happiness
My heart may be broken, but I will not let it bring me to my knees
I will stand with my feet firmly planted and hands to the sky
Let the sun kiss my face and wind playfully tickle my skin
Dreaming of the lovely day we are together once again©
I never thought that I would be writing about grief for Mother’s Day. It has always been such a happy day for me. But, so many things have changed for me in the past year and a half, it is now a weight on my heart.
I have one child living and an angel child. In the last year between divorce, Philip’s death and my other child (Alex) coming out as transgender I look at pictures and don’t recognize my life anymore.
Mother’s Day two years ago, Katelyn (now Alex) and Philip (right).
This is not to say I am unhappy. I have a beautiful child living and a loving boyfriend; but the weight in my heart is heavy and the pain so raw. They say, “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” I’ve always believed this. But today, as Mother’s Day looms, I find myself planning to visit my child’s grave for the first time since he passed away 11 weeks ago.
My plan with Alex, for this day, we will go hiking at our favorite spot that we would go with Philip. We will release balloons to honor him. Alex encourages me to keep getting up each day and to continue being the best mom I can be. It is not easy; I would like to sleep through the day. I won’t though, I will put one foot in front of another, as I have every day since my sunshine left me.
Our hiking spot the last time we went with Philip
Laughter, considered “the best medicine” and I would have to agree. Through so many of the hard moments that my son, Philip, faced, he still would laugh and smile. He was always trying to make others happy, even when he was holding the weight of the world on his shoulders. He had an amazing sense of humor, often very sarcastic like me.
When Philip passed away, I was adamant that his funeral not be somber, he wouldn’t have wanted that. He would want everyone to smile and laugh like he did, up until the end. So, we reminisced about his life and shared funny stories, for there are many involving him. It was amazing to hear others speak fondly of their own experiences with Philip and it uplifted us all during a very difficult time.
I still keep laughter in my life, even though there are days where I cannot hardly stop the tears. Some may feel guilt for having happiness when they have lost a loved one so tragically, but I do not. I know that laughter, happiness and a smile are all the things that keep Philip’s spirit alive. © -Mac
When you lose a child you feel like you are in a bubble. No one else can understand what you are going through. Every day they are all you think about as everyone around you moves on with life. Screaming in this cylindric orb, no one can hear you. Deep sobs of agony and no one can hear you. And still you roll through life attempting to get out, let go…be free. -Mac
Filed under Depression, loss
Yesterday was my boyfriend’s birthday, a notable day. Celebrating life after a death is hard. But, we embraced the day and even decided to go where Philip had gone the day before he died, for his birthday- bowling. His energy was with us and we laughed and smiled, things I miss most about him. -Mac
Filed under Depression, loss
Don’t mistake my dry eyes and smile for being okay. I will never be alright again. I will wear my grief everywhere for the rest of my life, it’s part of me now. When I get through the day, have made it out of bed and chose to go into the world this day, I am choosing to live for the ones I love. But don’t mistake my living as moving on, I will never move on, I will only mark every life event as before or after. And please, don’t mistake when I have emotions as weakness, I am a strong mother f…er!
Philip’s Mom (8 weeks today he’s been gone)
My spirit is depleted and so run down
The sun doesn’t shine for me anymore
Overrun by weeds and under watered
I’m not able to grow in the darkness
Shriveled up and wasted away, dead
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You were in such a rush to grow
Oh how the time did go
Before I knew you’re ten plus seven
Then you left me for heaven
I miss my boy so much each day
Thinking of how you’d play
Games and toys, so many new things
Now are abandoned belongings
My heart is torn up and I often weep
But memories I’ll always keep
Even though they can be bitter sweet
Tightly held until again we meet