Tag Archives: death

Living In Pain

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my emotions are so raw

i’m on the floor crying

pouring out my heart

can you hear me now?

each tear is a scream

going out to the universe

demanding answers, i plead

cursing and accusing him

 

then i pick myself up

i’m stronger than i knew

living to fight this pain

looking for a ray of sun

seeking a purpose in today

hoping for a better tomorrow

always remembering yesterday

believing i will survive

by Mac

 

6 Comments

Filed under Depression, Family, inspiration, poetry

Abandoned

shutterstock_249465919__w645h390q80There are many intense emotions that come with losing a loved one to suicide. One of those feelings is abandonment. The loss of a child like I am experiencing has not brought on that emotion too much for me. But, his younger brother, also considered his best friend, is struggling a bit with this.

The feeling of being left behind is common. Not the desire to die so much, but the feeling that he wasn’t good enough to stay here for. I have spoken in detail with my youngest and he is really staying in touch with his emotions in all of this. Also struggling with mental illness himself, he has insight to the struggle his brother faced. This does not make it any less difficult, but it does help him with perspective.

We all are here, left behind to pick of the pieces without him. Yes, it can give way to hard emotions to deal with. And, we all mourn in our own way. It is just coming to terms with the fact that nothing could have been different then what you did. And that you can and will survive. ©Mac

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Filed under Depression, Family, inspiration, Uncategorized

How Do I Even?

I can’t even comprehend how the world keeps turning
People frantically moving, life continuing without you
How do I even take the next breathe, make eyes blink?
You were…are, my beautiful boy and will be always! ©

Help Me In My Time Of Loss: Go Fund Me

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Philip ©

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Filed under Depression, Family, poetry

Once More

Once More

Hold me once more
Arms of my child embrace
Once more let me see your face
Son of mine, it is you that I adore

Forever is way too long
Just let me see you once more
Your smile makes my heart soar
And your laughter is my soul’s song

Once more I would say
‘Love you with all my heart’
Death has taken and torn us apart
However, I will see you again one day©

by Mac

One month, Friday, March 23, could you really have come and gone already? It has been one month since I lost a piece of my heart, my sweet 17 year old boy. His smile and laughter forever gone from this world. His wisdom beyond years, intelligence and desire to learn, snuffed out too soon. Oh, please tell me that I am in the midst of a terrible dream, nightmare, let me wake up and find you are safe in your bed. The only darkness surrounding me being the lack of the sunshine, it no longer comes to see me. But alas, it is my reality…© Mac

Help Me In My Time Of Loss: Go Fund Me

 

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Filed under Depression, Family, poetry

I Want You To Know

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My Dear Philip, 

I knew you struggled, I wish I could’ve taken it away

I know you knew we all cared, but you just couldn’t stay

I believe you knew we are all strong enough that we can carry on

I want you to know it feels unbearable that you are really gone

I know I will look for your smile, miss your hugs and laughter

I know I am glad you are my son and will be forever after

I want to thank you for knowing we needed one last moment before away you flew

I want you to know, even though you already knew, I have so much love for you

by Mac (your mom)

The death of a child is not something I thought I would ever go through, yet here I am. Philip, my beloved son of 17 years, lost his battle with mental illness the day after his 17th birthday. How ugly this disease is! Experiencing it myself is one thing, but to see my own child ravaged by depression and to finally lose his life by his own hand, it is more than anyone, let alone a parent, should have to bear!

I will continue to advocate the need for more awareness for mental health sufferers and those that love them. You can help too, in two ways, both greatly appreciated!

Go Fund Me: Help With Expenses in Time of Loss

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention fundraiser

Philip Feb. 22, 2001-Feb. 23, 2018

14 Comments

Filed under Depression, poetry

Self-Destruct

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Pieces of me lay on the floor, cannot put myself back together again
I have torn the flesh from my own limbs and I am only bones now
The parts of me that once were beautiful are now ugly and decayed
I reek of death and loss as the Grim Reaper comes with his plow©

by Mac

1 Comment

Filed under Depression, Life Lessons, poetry

Darkness Remains

Holding me down you impale me
You don’t even hide your smile
Oh, eyes of someone so vile

A wolf in sheep clothing you bite
Drawing blood as you go deep
Won’t let me my life keep

Driving a spike through my heart
You pierce me to my very core
Can no longer live anymore

Carve out my soul you She Devil
All that remains is now yours
Nothing left but this corps

But darkness remains©
by Mac

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Filed under Fiction, My Art, poetry

Hands Of Time

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Time slowly passes the days go on and on
I have so much to bear and now you are gone
Thought that I’d do much better, able to be strong
But now I know I wasn’t ready and I was very wrong
Life can be so fleeting, the moments ebb and flow
Believed life was perfect,  just want you to know
Moments in a lifetime, just pictures in a frame
I want forever but you just couldn’t remain

The hands of time are just so unforgiving
Allowing death to steal from all of the living
While plundering our hearts with terrible grief
Taking from us so that our souls cannot find a relief
Broken and undone, I have lost all sense of feeling
Will this pain ever stop to allow me some healing
Yet from the loss and heartache I must believe
In this there is a lesson for me to receive©

by Mac

 

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Filed under inspiration, Life Lessons, poetry

Remember Me

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When I find my final resting place and life on earth is done
Reflections of accomplishments and the races I have won
I hope that I will find my journey was not done in vain
Most of all wishing I have not caused too much pain
For those that I’ve inflicted, the sorrow that I feel
When the time is right I hope that you can heal
Life can be so fleeting but memories they last
Cherish the good ones we shared in the past
Most of all remember how we are in love
I know I will as I look down from above©

by Mac

10 Comments

Filed under Love of..., poetry

R.I.P.

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Like a memory that is under the surface, void of cohesion
Struggles to figure out where it is or what sence it makes
So are the feelings of one as she, staring into the mirror
Who is this person? She is plainly no longer recognizable
A fog of memories surrounds her, drowning out all clarity
Still nothing comes of it, like a word stuck on your tongue
Wake her from this nightmare or better yet, let in the dark
A heart cannot bear the pounding and her lungs the weight
Falling into an abyss that has no beginning or any ending
With eyes now closed and future hid, she wanders aimless
Until at last her bones are buried and written here reads…
“Rest In Peace”
by Mac

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Filed under Depression, Life Lessons, Love of...