Tag Archives: Depression

Dear Agony

Agony: extreme and generally prolonged pain; intense physical or mental suffering (source)

Life has a way of battering, bruising and taking much from me. My gut has taken a beating. It actually feels like a few feet have taken turns kicking it in. Bedraggled and torn, that is me. My heart must look like a tattered and worn blanket at this point, full of holes; it surely has been used and abused by hard times and losses.

If you look at me you may see a smile on my face, it may even reach my dark, blue eyes. But, I’ve gotten good at hiding my pain and showing no fear. In fact, I have learned to swallow my tears and breathe through the agony. Just please, don’t let one more person ask how I’m doing, dear God!

Depression, anxiety or any other struggle that takes a toll on the mind, body and soul– well you may know exactly what I’m talking about! Or perhaps you have a loved one that suffers from mental illness. It can be nearly as hard, yet an inability to fully understand or help, this can leave you feeling helpless.

Empathy can truly be a breath of fresh air, finding a person that understands the path you’re on. Sympathy is also an amazing gift, but can feel like a slap in the face too. No one wants to feel like a basket-case that you pitty or are sorry for, especially during an already very low, difficult time. So, while you love and care for that person in your life, be sure that you work together to find ways that make them feel positive about your compassion for them.

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I have felt for years that depression was my journey to go alone. My husband could not fully understand this struggle, so it was not his to help me through. In taking this approach I pushed him away every time I was faced with a low. After all, it is my illness and my difficulty. But, after nearly 16 years of taking this attitude, I will tell you, it was to my detriment. Over time, I have injured our relationship in a myriad of ways, in “going it alone”!

I don’t know why I have felt the need to do [this]. My thought process, he couldn’t possibly understand all the thoughts and dark places that my mind goes. The ups and downs, anger and sadness, all that runs through my mind, perhaps within five minutes! But, I often haven’t even give him a chance to comprehend where I am or consider ways he may make my journey easier. No, he can’t remove this burden from me, but he can help to alleviate some of the weight and pain, and even brighten some of the darkness.

We have recently decided to come up with a plan to put in place for when I am completely consumed with my emotions; times where I get so dark and tend to push everyone away. These are the times when I actually need people the most, but tend to be in too deep a fog to know how to even help myself, let alone tell someone else how they can help. My mind can be so weak that it will go to places that it should not and would not otherwise, go. I feel like I am a different person, looking from the outside in, like an out-of-body experience, almost. I don’t even know the person looking back at me in the mirror sometimes. My poems Counterfeit Identity and I Feel Like A Monster are poignant in regards to these feelings. 

Create An Action Plan (6 Ways To Support A Spouse Living With Depression)
This is the most important tip I have to share about this topic. Sit down with your spouse on a good day — a day where they’re feeling happy and calm. Open up a dialogue to co-create an action plan for their low days. How do they want to approach those days? What would they like to experience on those days? And what would help them shift through those days? As the spouse of someone with depression, it’s easy to unconsciously become an enabler by giving into their behavior or letting them slump around the house for days on end because it’s harder to confront them. Don’t let that happen! Co-create an action plan to inspire them to get through those days so they can shift into a happier state of mind. For example, I told my husband that yoga always helps me feel better and even if I have zero desire to leave the house, a yoga class has the power to shift my energy. On my low days my husband will always suggest yoga, and that serves as a reminder of the beautiful action plan we co-created to help get me through those horrible days.

When in the right frame of mind, I and Hubby have come up with our “Action Plan.” These are things that are positive for me, help my mind focus away from the negative and can aide in bringing me out of my low (even if for only a short time).  The list includes things such as: foot massages, bubble baths, ice cream, music and journaling. These are things that I don’t do on a regular basis, but are treats that help me feel well. Most are done with the help of Hubby, because he needs to be involved. If I need my space, he is still there, but in a different capacity. Even these small changes have a big impact, not only on me and my depression, but on our relationship. I highly recommend an action plan! 

Now, I am looking to the future and trying to not deal with my agony all alone, because we are a team, and a team works together. One may have strengths where the other has weaknesses and vice-versa. That is how a team works; they are there for one another, cheering thee other on when they go up against an opponent. So, go team Mac! ©

**Find the song “Dear Agony” by Breaking Benjamin, my inspiration for this piece, HERE.

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Filed under Beauty and Health, Depression

This War

mind

You come with hopes to destroy

Everything that I hold dear

Looking to take my joy

A struggle builds, my wall tatters

War injures without mercy 

Until nothing matters

Shattered, broken and also maimed

I’m no longer of a sound mind 

A victory you’ve claimed

My defenses you have torn asunder

Coming in you take your fill

My mind you plunder

Your tenticles reaching in, attack

Find the weakest parts of me

On them you’ll snack

Until I’m just a broken, empty vessel

Nothing but a worthless shell

With darkness I wrestle

Depression is a well trained opponent

This war continues for my mind

One day I hope to own it©

by Mac

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Filed under Depression, poetry

Breaking Free

These chains, oh these chains, holding onto me

I must break free!

Held down by many weights, water in my lungs

I’m drowning

Please release me

Let me be!

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These chains, oh these chains, holding onto me

But stronger I can be!

Clean air in my lungs, warm sun on my face

I’m alive again

Yes, I am finally free

Depression let go of me…

At least for today!©

by Mac

 

 

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Filed under Depression, poetry

After The Storm

1941

Despair shouts my name
Telling me it wants to talk
But I know it’s just a game
Forever I feel it will stalk

I’m ravaged in the night
As it takes from my heart
It holds onto me so tight
Fearing it will never depart

But then as I dream of you
It chases all my terror away
Wakening I feel brand new
Seeing much clearer today

With all your might hold on
Please guide me each night
Bring me safe to the dawn
All my demons you’ll smite

You are the sun after it rains
A healing begins in my soul
Driving away so many pains
Finally I begin to feel whole

I’m faced with many choices
Yet things become very clear
Calming all of the loud voices
Because love conquers all fear©

by Mac

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Filed under Depression, Love of..., Uncategorized

I Am

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Tucked away from the view of the world

I am 

Locked out of sight of those that do judge

I am

Riddled with contempt of other’s strength

I am

Hiding my face and refusing to let anyone see 

I am

Afraid to breathe lest I divulge my hiding place

I am

Breaking people in two and families asunder

I am

Ensnared by the turmoil that eats away inside

I am 

Fallen from the light into the darkest of times

I am

My name spoken on the lips of the persecuted

I am… Depression©

by Mac

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Filed under Depression, Uncategorized

Rain Upon My Soul

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My soul is thirsty but I have no more to give

The spring has all but dried up within me

My body decays as I long for this quenching

How am I to live in this state of utter need?

To thrive as everything around me withers

The living among this wasteland of the dead

Exposed to emotions of loss and utter pain

I pray for rain to come and relieve my soul

Tears that will wash away the dust and filth

Revealing new growth and revitalizing the old

Changing that which I was into what I will be

Newness of life and a soul once again full of joy

I must hope, I must believe, I must have faith

If the rain does not come I fear all will be lost©

by Mac

 

 

17 Comments

Filed under Depression

I Want A Refund

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by picjumbo

No deposit and no returns

I can’t believe how life burns

Chews me up and spits me out

Of its intentions I have little doubt

It makes me suffer and wants my soul

Leaving me to feel like I have no control

Still I’m caught up in what is the game of life

And it is forever and ever going to cause me strife

But what is easy has so very few forms of worth

So as long as I am allowed to be here on earth

I am choosing to live each and every minute

Like I am existing in life’s game to win it

One foot in front of the other every day

It’s beautifully molding me like clay

My hopes and dreams I will revive

Repaying me so that I can thrive

by Mac©

 

 

 

 

8 Comments

Filed under Depression, Life Lessons, poetry