Tag Archives: Depression

Nothing Remains

Magical bird takes flight.

Released my soul, I set it free, but it keeps coming back to me
I told it lies, called it names, but says it loves me all the same
So now I can’t feel a thing, but also no joy does anything bring
Emptied of all the bitter pain, but then nothing does remain©

by Mac

See another piece if you like this one: “Darkness Remains

 

 

 

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Filed under Depression, inspiration, poetry, Uncategorized

Only Ashes

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An ember was born and became a flame
It soon burnt out and only did remain
A piece of what once was my heart
Destroyed by this life, torn apart
The smoldering smell is putrid
But worst still is the hatred
Away with love it lashes
Now I am only ashes© 

by Mac

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Inside Me

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There’s a yearning deep inside of me
Wants to get out and needs to be free
If I give in to this temptation though
Not sure where it will want me to go
So I’ll push down this want and need
For without strength it will not heed
This little ember is within my control
But anymore will burn away my soul
Then remnants of who I’d once been
No answer for where or why or when
Just a pile of my former self you’d see
If I allow this lust inside to roam free©

by Mac

 

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Filed under Depression, Life Lessons, poetry

Pieces

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The mirror shattered on the floor
Obscured her face I don’t know her anymore
Tries to find her way back and
Blood is dripping as she reaches out her hand
Attempted to pick up the pieces
But was cut so deep, so the shard she releases
As the pure crimson flows free
Again, she picks up a fragment, but it’s only me©

by Mac

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Filed under Depression, inspiration, Life Lessons, poetry

Lost And Not Found

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Lost myself, cannot be found
Looked and looked all around
But to no avail I couldn’t find
Where it was I put my mind

How’d I realize I was gone?
The sunrise one early dawn
Beauty of the morning’s sun
No longer felt emotions come

Couldn’t be moved anymore
As I stood on thee ocean shore
The salty air or waves of gold
Yet all I am is bitter and cold

I touch where heart should be
It is a mystery how it did flee
Also found my spirit was MIA
Not certain how I got this way

Was it my choice? Had I known?
That I would leave me all alone
To face this cruel uncaring place
Not one emotion left on this face

So, I put an add out in the paper
“A missing person, it is a caper”
But just received one sad reply
“Sorry I forgot to say goodbye!”©

by Mac

 

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Our Family’s Trans-formation

family-on-beach

“We are writing you all because there has been a bit of change going on in our family’s lives this past six months. It is easiest to write this down and have you all hear it directly and in the same manner, then to relay it individually. This is a difficult topic and will be hard for some of you to understand. It is okay, you do not have to understand or agree with it to give unconditional love and support. And you will likely have questions, but we appreciate your not bombarding us, as we too continue to process things. So now on to what has taken place…”

These are the beginning words to a letter that we just sent to our family this past week. I am sure that many of my readers have felt my struggles through this year in my writings. SO many changes have occurred in the last six months. But, as I share with you this biggest of all, I ask for you to follow these words I’ve written my family as well!

“At the end of last year, just after Christmas our youngest came to me. She had been greatly struggling, which was quite evident. After a good deal of prodding, she finally confided in me a great turmoil what could be called an identity crisis. She felt that she was supposed to be a boy. This was all in her words, nothing put in her mouth. Of course, this was a big shock, but not a surprise in some ways. Of course we give her our full support and reassurance at this time. While shedding our own tears and praying in private, we try to reconcile between us what has happened…”

Yes, my youngest (age 14) has come out as a transgender boy to us. And for a conservative, Christian family, this was certainly a blow. Now, before you begin to think the worst of us, I want you to know, we are accepting in every way. But, it has taken time to understand what support looks like. And overcoming a feeling of “loss” for my daughter, the one I had longed for, planned for and held future dreams for. Needing to accept that this life is not mine to fulfill, but must be his to find for himself.

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“In the weeks to follow he requests some major changes. Asking that we change all nouns in regards of her to “he” and her name to a male one he’d chosen. Also a boy’s haircut is done and a breast binder is asked for (he had already been wearing a majority of boy’s clothing, always the “Tom boy”)… As the months have passed we have been faced with some heart breaking moments as parents. Our son has seen some very dark moments, as have we. He finally confided that he has been struggling, alone, with these feelings since he was EIGHT! How our pain grew!…”

It has taken some time for the name change and “he” to be consistent, but he’s been patient with us. Also, I have always referred to only having one son, now that is not the case. But, if these were the worst things to overcome, it would be a piece of cake. Unfortunately it has been so much more than that. For him, having a body that he does not feel he should be in is heartbreaking to see. What should be a simple shower now has become a struggle with self acceptance! My hope is, as a family we learn how to come together to be what my son needs. Helping him through this difficult journey that his future holds.

“We have told him that we don’t feel that God makes mistakes, and he has never suggested otherwise. But, if God doesn’t make mistakes, we can only feel that there is a reason for this journey too…”

I will continue in the future with more about our story as a family and the life of transformation. But, for now, I leave you with this. I hope that this touches someone who is going through the same struggle and gives you a ray of hope that you are not alone. Support is so important for all involved. I hope you will reach out or pass this along to anyone you know or you personally, that are going through this life transformation.© by Mac

“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

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Filed under Beauty and Health, Depression, Family, inspiration

Face Of Darkness

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Shall I cower in the face of Darkness?
Let it take me by the hand into its bosom
Fall victim as the ones that have gone before
As it woos me like prey being drawn by the hunter
I am unable to be pulled back from its clutches anymore
They all say, “You must fight harder,” but my strength is gone
Darkness shall be my captor and I will be in perfect peace at last©

by Mac

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