Rainbows End

Listen! Did you hear that sound? At first it was a whisper, then it was a pound.
Beating on the window, banging on the door. Did you hear it, as my tears pour?

I didn’t want to allow them to fall, but you encouraged me, “Let go of them all!”
Keeping in my feelings is not healthy for me, they need to fly away, go, be free

So I wrote them in this letter, released it to the sky, watch as it soars so very high
And one day, I hope you see, there’s a rainbow in my eyes which you gave to me©

by Mac

Lost And Not Found

Lost myself, cannot be found
Looked and looked all around
But to no avail I couldn’t find
Where it was I put my mind

How’d I realize I was gone?
The sunrise one early dawn
Beauty of the morning’s sun
No longer felt emotions come

Couldn’t be moved anymore
As I stood on thee ocean shore
The salty air or waves of gold
Yet all I am is bitter and cold

I touch where heart should be
It is a mystery how it did flee
Also found my spirit was MIA
Not certain how I got this way

Was it my choice? Had I known?
That I would leave me all alone
To face this cruel uncaring place
Not one emotion left on this face

So, I put an add out in the paper
“A missing person, it is a caper”
But just received one sad reply
“Sorry I forgot to say goodbye!”©

by Mac

 

My Message

Put my emotions in a bottle and set them free at sea

They washed onto the shore and you found them for me

You released me from my burden, handled with so much care

But realized it wasn’t healthy to keep my feeling locked up in there

Assured me that it was safe, a place that I was free to let my emotions go

Filled with apprehension, yet a freeing sence indeed, as I saw my feelings flow©

by Mac

 

This Bitter Beast

She is a devilish beast, full of crafty ways
Standing in the shadows, lurking
I feel myself locked within her evil gaze
Ignoring the place she comes from
And what she’d want to get from the likes of me
But I am rendered quite numb
Hopeful that she soon will just let me be free

Escape from her control seems to be in vain
My strength is running on empty
Taking me under her spell, again I feel the pain
Whispering in my ear, confessing
Reminding me of emotions I wanted to forego
Mind then taken over by obsessing
It’s what bitterness does when you won’t let go©

by Mac

 

Feel Free To Go

 

Life is just so complex, so complicated, it sucks and it is messy. What do you do with emotions that are hurting you? How do you throw them away when they are stuck to your insides like glue? Do you put them in a box and place that box in storage unit, throw away the key? How about a wood chipper? Often I just want to forget about emotions and feelings altogether. They have injured me and cut me deeper than they have ever done me any good! 

In fact, I may be on the tour bus route for emotions and feelings. They all get off and have a party in my heart. They get drunk, trash it and then like a relative that overstays their welcome, won’t leave. Yes, I am left with a bunch of drunk emotions, they won’t get out and have terrible hygiene. They screw up the sleeping arrangements and steal all the silver. Vomit in all the bathrooms, don’t know how to flush and eat all the food. Emotions are inconsiderate, come and go as they please and can’t take a hint when it’s time to go. I feel like I need a sign that reads, “No emotions allowed” nailed to my forehead. 

So what do I do with these little F@%@$? I mean can I call an exterminator? Has anyone seen Arnold? If anyone knows of such a person, do feel free to send them my way. In the mean time, I will just be over here in a fetal position, trying to figure out what I am to do with these unwanted guests! Feel free to go at anytime emotions, signed ~Mac©

Overcomer

Never knew how capable I was

I told the truth and undid

Everything I once held dear

Now life is just so unclear

I’ll hold up there is no doubt

I can’t give up on you or me

What was one is torn in two

Now so much I must renew

But I know we’ll overcome

This journey is an uphill race

Looking back and one day see

What was to be of you and me

Overcomer© by Mac

Bitterness, Silent Killer

My body can’t bare the weight
World closing in and I suffocate
Bitterness and anger meet here
Blackness fills, until I disappear

All I need is one more breathe
Just give it to me so I can live
Captured, you hold me bound
Used up, cast on the ground

You refuse to hear all my outcries
Emotionless, believe your own lies
I needed you and you turn away
Unable to make you want to stay

Trust what you want about a soul
But mine is under your control
You keep me locked away, lonely
Tell me I will always be your only

Lies, all lies to keep me enslaved
When I just wanted to be saved
That is pain you see in my eyes
I refuse to wear your disguise

Bitterness you are just so cruel
Stubborn as a big damn mule
Is this all just a foolish game?
To keep me stuck in your pain

Bitterness, Silent Killer© by SBDMB (MM)

Don’t Go

Paved with good intentions
Is what they often say
But my Hell is here
If I can’t make you stay

Life is just not kind
Emotions ebb and flow
You have set me free
But I don’t want to go

The voices in my head
Screaming out in fear
I try to block them out
I don’t want to hear

I spent up all your love
Abused you to the core
Chewed and spit you out
Don’t need me anymore

But Baby you don’t know
That what I felt was real
Our journey can’t be over
I pray that this will heal

Let me break these walls
Forged to keep love out
I’ll wait to find a way
Don’t you ever even doubt

Your in my review mirror
Distance growing wide
Strength is my charade
Broken down, I’ve cried

Lost, I’m really searching
For the right words to say
Is there really anything
Can I make you stay?

Life is just not kind
Emotions ebb and flow
You have set me free
Begging, please don’t go!

©Don’t Go by SBDMB (MM)

Love Lives Apart ~ Eclipsed

We were meant to live as two
You with me and me with you

This world is such an ugly home
Beside me it’d be safe to roam

I would be so strong and brave
And you’d be there for me to save

If life was just to live apart
You would still be in my heart

When at last we could touch
I know I’d love you very much

From dusk til dawn my mind is free
To think of you right next to me

Separated by the oceans deep
And never to touch or to keep

I have eternity to love my only One
So on the Moon whispers to the Sun

We were meant to live as two
You with me and me with you

©Love Lives Apart by SBDMB (MM)

 

When The Holidays Hurt

The holidays are upon us. Here in the US, we have Thanksgiving this coming Thursday. Then, on to December and many different holidays- from Hanukkah, Christmas and Kwanzaa to the New Year. It is a time of celebrating, family and friends sharing in moments together and memories made. But, what about when the holidays hurt?

Flipping through my Facebook page and there it sits, “On this day” a memory photo. The sadness is overwhelming and the ache in my chest painful. A photo of someone no longer part of my life. A memory, and then another, until my mind is flooded with the past. Things my heart will not allow me to forget. Years of holiday photos, cherished memories with my kids and husband, but among them are also faces of those whom we left in another life or loved ones who’ve departed.

This is what happens around this time of year for me. But, not just me, for many who have suffered losses. Perhaps through someone’s passing away, or maybe a falling out that ended years of friendship, a relationship or family ties. I have spoken in detail over the “loss” our family had 3 years ago in “My Journey In Faith.” I’ve also mentioned the passing of one of my dearest friends, my Gram, here. The five-year anniversary of her death just this past week.

Seasons may pass and time will go by, but that won’t change a thing. I want to smile and have a laugh, to enjoy the carolers sing. I wrap a gift, put up the tree and enjoy some holiday cheer. But then I find, I need a space, to cry my unshed tears.©~MM

For those who find themselves in this place, it can be such a complicate road to navigate. Often faced with expectations from others for you to be elated with the joys of the season. It is a time for parties and presents, food and merriment! But grief and depression is a real part of the holidays too. One that is often overlooked by those who don’t want to, or don’t know how to, deal with [it], or perhaps aren’t even aware. Often a difficult subject to broach and one that some may avoid altogether. But, I want to meet it head-on because, it is such an important topic to me!

So, how do we process these emotions, this grief, during the holiday season? Or how can you respect and help those that are hurting? Pulling from some of my own experiences, I would like to share some perspective.

1. Everyone grieves and processes emotions differently.

How one person experiences a loss may not be equal to the person next to you. We are all human, but our brains do not all work the same. One person may grieve openly and with much emotion, while another does not seem to mourn at all. And, what you may believe to be an appropriate place and time to grieve, may not be shared as acceptable “behavior,” by those closest to you. The best thing we can do for ourselves or for one another is to respect the process, whatever that may look like. There is no right or wrong when it comes to mourning.

2. Length of time for grief differs for everyone.

There is not a time limit to the heartache of loss. Do not let anyone attempt to dictate the time it takes to overcome [it]. I believe as long as you are working through grief in a healthy manner, no one should tell you what overcoming loss should look like.

It has been five years since I lost my Gram, still the pain is present. Although I don’t always talk about her, there are times where I still grieve. This is the time of year that she was a very big part of. Most of my adult, married life, she and my grandpa would come over for Thanksgiving to our home. She taught me how to make my first apple pie and always held tips during the process of our Thanksgiving meal. Christmas time was no different. Many of the treats I bake are her recipes. When she got older and no longer felt like baking, I would bring her and Grandpa a tray of treats to share. Hours were spent at their table with coffee and sweets, such special memories for me. Christmas day we always went over to their house in the afternoon. And, although my kids, hubby and I can now reminisce at the memories with fondness, there will always be emotions tied to them.

3. Embrace the pain with the memories.

Now, it is on to thee embracing what I can not change and working to cherish the positive memories. Choosing to live in the present and control what I am able to. This has been a hard one for me. My other “loss” was a large group of individuals whom had been like family, for 14 years. Both of my children’s entire lives were knit together with their’s, up until three years ago. Photos are still difficult, I look back in albums, dozens of faces are mingled in with my family’s memories. Then, there are the holiday traditions that we were all part of together every year. I hope one day that I will be able to do some of those things again, without such sadness accompanying them.

While grief is unpredictable and often hard to understand, as we head into the holidays, I hope you find solace in knowing that you are not alone. And, if you know someone who is hurting, maybe this will help you find perspective as they navigate the holidays.

Perhaps you have something to add, ask, share or recommend. Please feel free to leave a comment.