Tag Archives: grief

When Suicide Knocked

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Suicide knocked three times, on the fourth knock it took you. It has been over four months that I have lived without you; it is unbearable. Is it really living when part of my heart is gone? I’m not sure. Perhaps it is only surviving from one minute to the next, one breath to the next. I must force my lungs to to inhale, my heart to beat and my feet to take step after step. How will I go on? I guess I will continue to learn. Whoever said, “It gets easier with time” was a damn lier. [It] gets harder everyday!

by Mac

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Filed under Depression, Life Lessons, loss, suicide

The Sun

My heart may be broken, but I will not let it bring me to my knees
I will stand with my feet firmly planted and hands to the sky
Let the sun kiss my face and wind playfully tickle my skin
Dreaming of the lovely day we are together once again©

by Mac

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Filed under Depression, inspiration, loss, Uncategorized

Mother’s Day Sorrows

I never thought that I would be writing about grief for Mother’s Day. It has always been such a happy day for me. But, so many things have changed for me in the past year and a half, it is now a weight on my heart.

I have one child living and an angel child. In the last year between divorce, Philip’s death and my other child (Alex) coming out as transgender I look at pictures and don’t recognize my life anymore.

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Mother’s Day two years ago, Katelyn (now Alex) and Philip (right).

This is not to say I am unhappy. I have a beautiful child living and a loving boyfriend; but the weight in my heart is heavy and the pain so raw. They say, “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” I’ve always believed this. But today, as Mother’s Day looms, I find myself planning to visit my child’s grave for the first time since he passed away 11 weeks ago.

My plan with Alex, for this day, we will go hiking at our favorite spot that we would go with Philip. We will release balloons to honor him. Alex encourages me to keep getting up each day and to continue being the best mom I can be. It is not easy; I would like to sleep through the day. I won’t though, I will put one foot in front of another, as I have every day since my sunshine left me.

-Mac

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Our hiking spot the last time we went with Philip

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Filed under Depression, Family, loss

Celebrating

Yesterday was my boyfriend’s birthday, a notable day. Celebrating life after a death is hard. But, we embraced the day and even decided to go where Philip had gone the day before he died, for his birthday- bowling. His energy was with us and we laughed and smiled, things I miss most about him. -Mac

 

 

 

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Filed under Depression, loss

Don’t Mistake

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Don’t mistake my dry eyes and smile for being okay. I will never be alright again. I will wear my grief everywhere for the rest of my life, it’s part of me now. When I get through the day, have made it out of bed and chose to go into the world this day, I am choosing to live for the ones I love. But don’t mistake my living as moving on, I will never move on, I will only mark every life event as before or after. And please, don’t mistake when I have emotions as weakness, I am a strong mother f…er!
By Mac

Philip’s Mom (8 weeks today he’s been gone)

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Filed under Depression, Family, inspiration, poetry

Living In Pain

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my emotions are so raw

i’m on the floor crying

pouring out my heart

can you hear me now?

each tear is a scream

going out to the universe

demanding answers, i plead

cursing and accusing him

 

then i pick myself up

i’m stronger than i knew

living to fight this pain

looking for a ray of sun

seeking a purpose in today

hoping for a better tomorrow

always remembering yesterday

believing i will survive

by Mac

 

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Filed under Depression, Family, inspiration, poetry

How Do I Even?

I can’t even comprehend how the world keeps turning
People frantically moving, life continuing without you
How do I even take the next breathe, make eyes blink?
You were…are, my beautiful boy and will be always! ©

Help Me In My Time Of Loss: Go Fund Me

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Philip ©

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Filed under Depression, Family, poetry