Tag Archives: MentalHealth

I Want You To Know

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My Dear Philip, 

I knew you struggled, I wish I could’ve taken it away

I know you knew we all cared, but you just couldn’t stay

I believe you knew we are all strong enough that we can carry on

I want you to know it feels unbearable that you are really gone

I know I will look for your smile, miss your hugs and laughter

I know I am glad you are my son and will be forever after

I want to thank you for knowing we needed one last moment before away you flew

I want you to know, even though you already knew, I have so much love for you

by Mac (your mom)

The death of a child is not something I thought I would ever go through, yet here I am. Philip, my beloved son of 17 years, lost his battle with mental illness the day after his 17th birthday. How ugly this disease is! Experiencing it myself is one thing, but to see my own child ravaged by depression and to finally lose his life by his own hand, it is more than anyone, let alone a parent, should have to bear!

I will continue to advocate the need for more awareness for mental health sufferers and those that love them. You can help too, in two ways, both greatly appreciated!

Go Fund Me: Help With Expenses in Time of Loss

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention fundraiser

Philip Feb. 22, 2001-Feb. 23, 2018

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Filed under Depression, poetry

Face Of Darkness

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Shall I cower in the face of Darkness?
Let it take me by the hand into its bosom
Fall victim as the ones that have gone before
As it woos me like prey being drawn by the hunter
I am unable to be pulled back from its clutches anymore
They all say, “You must fight harder,” but my strength is gone
Darkness shall be my captor and I will be in perfect peace at last©

by Mac

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Filed under Depression, inspiration, poetry

World Is My Stage

black & white studio portrait of female magician

The world is my stage and life is my trick
A magician’s hat and a magic wand stick
The wave of my hand, blink of thee eyes
Then I appear in this perfect of disguise

Cannot see my true face or how I appear
Don’t want you to know what it is I fear
My life is a farce, nothing is as it seems
Nothing is perfect or existing in dreams

But curtain’s pulled back, I am exposed
Nightmare unleashed, everyone knows
Smoke, mirrors and sleight of hands too
But nothing covers what I am from you

I stand on the stage, acting out my feat
My audience observes, sees this deceit
Heckles and boos, tells me I’m a fraud
Reaffirming to me that I am so flawed

Cannot hide who I am or how I suffer
Depression is hard, know I’m tougher
Won’t play a part, I put down my cape
No chains keep me, I know I’ll escape

I call for volunteers, come to the stage
The first is patience to counteract rage
And second is humor, helps me to cope
Finally, love when I need to find hope©

by Mac

May is Mental Illness Month.
If you or someone you know battles mental illness,
there are many great resources here.  

Other articles:
Mental Illness May#1
Speaking The Language
Helping My Children
Life With Anxiety

Dear Agony
Breaking Free
After The Storm


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Filed under Depression, inspiration, poetry

Helping My Children

Helping our children through the struggles of depression has been the hardest task that we as parents have ever encountered. Not only have we broached the most difficult of times, we have faced thee unthinkable. I never knew the true meaning of the word “helpless” until this journey began.

Some things that we have been using to help counteract this illness have been counseling, with cognitive therapy, and yes, even medicine. (Medicine was not our first choice, but was necessary in the end, to battle the chemical imbalances.) We have also been using exercise, healthy eating, vitamins, probiotics and even yoga. Studies prove the body and digestive system are closely tied to the brain and chemicals there.

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It is also very important to have a “game plan” when the down times occur. Even I have talked about what I do here. It is really no different for my kids. We must have things in place that they can do to bring enjoyment into their days, if only for a moment. My oldest likes building electromagnets, weight lifting, crocheting and video games. My youngest prefers crafting, art and drawing, along with the outdoors and biking. This does not mean the struggles don’t still reek havoc, but these counter measures can and do help. Teaching coping skills is vital to surviving this disease!

The biggest commodity to me in this illness, however, has been my own personal experiences. I have said before, empathy is so much different from sympathy. Being able to connect with my two teens by understanding and relating, is priceless. We communicate frequently and they are usually quite open with me. Does it make things easier? Not always! But, it does help them to know they are not alone is this battle. And being able to knowledgeably advocate for them is a blessing.

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May is Mental Illness Month. If you or someone you know battles mental illness, there are many great resources here.  Also read my piece Speaking The Language which talks more about this journey with my family. 

Other articles:
Mental Illness May #1
Life With Anxiety
Dear Agony~depression
Breaking Free
After The Storm

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Filed under Depression, Family

Speaking The Language

Sometimes I don’t feel like I’m even speaking the same language as the rest of the world. Have you ever felt this? When you are saying something and people look at you with blank eyes, like you are speaking your own made up words. I feel like I am often in this fog that is pulling me deeper into its clutches. At times amazes me that anything I do or say forms any sort of cohesion, let alone that I accomplish daily tasks.

Mental illness has wreaked havoc on our family this year. Although I am unable to share details at this time, I can tell you that it has been a very hard five months! With myself, as well as two teenagers (add puberty and hormones) whom all have one form or another of mental illness, and voila you have mayhem. And hubby, well, he is just trying to stear this crazy train!

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So, what do we do to get through this time in our lives? The best we can, I suppose. There is counseling and medicine, but also lots of listening and supporting. Learning coping skills and how to take care of mind, but also body. (Keep an eye out for a piece in the future on how we take care of our mind and body.) Some days we just chill (thank God for homeschool and flexibility) and other days we can only do our best to push through. Sometimes the sounding board for the kids and other times the warm embrace. There are nights when the four of us all sit on our queen size bed and just talk about how tough things are right now, other times no talking occurs and perhaps a tear or two is shed.

I never had to cope with my depression as a teenager. I didn’t begin my struggle until I was twenty. I cannot even imagine the difficulty of navigating an already stressful and confusing time of life, then adding depression and anxiety into the mix! But, I see the strength and determination that has taken root in my children’s lives. I believe in them and their abilities. And, at times I find myself thanking God for giving me depression, just so that I can be empathetic and understanding of my kids and the struggles they face. Ultimately, I know that we have got this!

May is Mental Illnes Month. If you or someone you know battles mental illness, there are many great resources here

My articles:
Life With Anxiety
Dear Agony-depression
Breaking Free
After The Storm

Your prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is: “language.”  #SoCS

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Filed under Depression, Family, Life Lessons

Anymore

Am I lost to all sanity? I turn around and nothing is familiar anymore
I search in this sky of wonder and mystery yet still there’s nothing there
Where have all the pretty things gone? I feel lost, forgotten and in ruin
It’s all a maze of the obscure, curious and foreign, where the mind breaks
Puzzle pieces with no color, edges gone, nothing fits together anymore©

by Mac

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May is Mental Illnes Month. If you or someone you know battles mental illness, there are many great resources here. And this is a piece on my perspective, Mental Illness May #1

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Filed under Depression, inspiration, poetry

Free From Me

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I cannot face this thing

The darkness is too much

And the pain is too great

This heart was not meant

To feel an ache like this

My throat closes up tight

How can I still breathe?

You have stollen my air

Ripped out my very soul

I am completely exposed

The elements sting my skin

Beaten down to the ground

There are no more tears left

A cliff is ahead but I am blind

Just set me free from all of me

by Mac

May is Mental Illness Awareness month.

Mental Illness May #1

 

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Filed under Beauty and Health, Depression