I Want You To Know

My Dear Philip, 

I knew you struggled, I wish I could’ve taken it away

I know you knew we all cared, but you just couldn’t stay

I believe you knew we are all strong enough that we can carry on

I want you to know it feels unbearable that you are really gone

I know I will look for your smile, miss your hugs and laughter

I know I am glad you are my son and will be forever after

I want to thank you for knowing we needed one last moment before away you flew

I want you to know, even though you already knew, I have so much love for you

by Mac (your mom)

The death of a child is not something I thought I would ever go through, yet here I am. Philip, my beloved son of 17 years, lost his battle with mental illness the day after his 17th birthday. How ugly this disease is! Experiencing it myself is one thing, but to see my own child ravaged by depression and to finally lose his life by his own hand, it is more than anyone, let alone a parent, should have to bear!

I will continue to advocate the need for more awareness for mental health sufferers and those that love them. You can help too, in two ways, both greatly appreciated!

Go Fund Me: Help With Expenses in Time of Loss

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention fundraiser

Philip Feb. 22, 2001-Feb. 23, 2018

Face Of Darkness

Shall I cower in the face of Darkness?
Let it take me by the hand into its bosom
Fall victim as the ones that have gone before
As it woos me like prey being drawn by the hunter
I am unable to be pulled back from its clutches anymore
They all say, “You must fight harder,” but my strength is gone
Darkness shall be my captor and I will be in perfect peace at last©

by Mac

World Is My Stage

The world is my stage and life is my trick
A magician’s hat and a magic wand stick
The wave of my hand, blink of thee eyes
Then I appear in this perfect of disguise

Cannot see my true face or how I appear
Don’t want you to know what it is I fear
My life is a farce, nothing is as it seems
Nothing is perfect or existing in dreams

But curtain’s pulled back, I am exposed
Nightmare unleashed, everyone knows
Smoke, mirrors and sleight of hands too
But nothing covers what I am from you

I stand on the stage, acting out my feat
My audience observes, sees this deceit
Heckles and boos, tells me I’m a fraud
Reaffirming to me that I am so flawed

Cannot hide who I am or how I suffer
Depression is hard, know I’m tougher
Won’t play a part, I put down my cape
No chains keep me, I know I’ll escape

I call for volunteers, come to the stage
The first is patience to counteract rage
And second is humor, helps me to cope
Finally, love when I need to find hope©

by Mac

May is Mental Illness Month.
If you or someone you know battles mental illness,
there are many great resources here.  

Other articles:
Mental Illness May#1
Speaking The Language
Helping My Children
Life With Anxiety
Dear Agony
Breaking Free
After The Storm

Helping My Children

Helping our children through the struggles of depression has been the hardest task that we as parents have ever encountered. Not only have we broached the most difficult of times, we have faced thee unthinkable. I never knew the true meaning of the word “helpless” until this journey began.

Some things that we have been using to help counteract this illness have been counseling, with cognitive therapy, and yes, even medicine. (Medicine was not our first choice, but was necessary in the end, to battle the chemical imbalances.) We have also been using exercise, healthy eating, vitamins, probiotics and even yoga. Studies prove the body and digestive system are closely tied to the brain and chemicals there.

It is also very important to have a “game plan” when the down times occur. Even I have talked about what I do here. It is really no different for my kids. We must have things in place that they can do to bring enjoyment into their days, if only for a moment. My oldest likes building electromagnets, weight lifting, crocheting and video games. My youngest prefers crafting, art and drawing, along with the outdoors and biking. This does not mean the struggles don’t still reek havoc, but these counter measures can and do help. Teaching coping skills is vital to surviving this disease!

The biggest commodity to me in this illness, however, has been my own personal experiences. I have said before, empathy is so much different from sympathy. Being able to connect with my two teens by understanding and relating, is priceless. We communicate frequently and they are usually quite open with me. Does it make things easier? Not always! But, it does help them to know they are not alone is this battle. And being able to knowledgeably advocate for them is a blessing.

May is Mental Illness Month. If you or someone you know battles mental illness, there are many great resources here.  Also read my piece Speaking The Language which talks more about this journey with my family. 

Other articles:
Mental Illness May #1
Life With Anxiety
Dear Agony~depression
Breaking Free
After The Storm

Speaking The Language

Sometimes I don’t feel like I’m even speaking the same language as the rest of the world. Have you ever felt this? When you are saying something and people look at you with blank eyes, like you are speaking your own made up words. I feel like I am often in this fog that is pulling me deeper into its clutches. At times amazes me that anything I do or say forms any sort of cohesion, let alone that I accomplish daily tasks.

Mental illness has wreaked havoc on our family this year. Although I am unable to share details at this time, I can tell you that it has been a very hard five months! With myself, as well as two teenagers (add puberty and hormones) whom all have one form or another of mental illness, and voila you have mayhem. And hubby, well, he is just trying to stear this crazy train!

So, what do we do to get through this time in our lives? The best we can, I suppose. There is counseling and medicine, but also lots of listening and supporting. Learning coping skills and how to take care of mind, but also body. (Keep an eye out for a piece in the future on how we take care of our mind and body.) Some days we just chill (thank God for homeschool and flexibility) and other days we can only do our best to push through. Sometimes the sounding board for the kids and other times the warm embrace. There are nights when the four of us all sit on our queen size bed and just talk about how tough things are right now, other times no talking occurs and perhaps a tear or two is shed.

I never had to cope with my depression as a teenager. I didn’t begin my struggle until I was twenty. I cannot even imagine the difficulty of navigating an already stressful and confusing time of life, then adding depression and anxiety into the mix! But, I see the strength and determination that has taken root in my children’s lives. I believe in them and their abilities. And, at times I find myself thanking God for giving me depression, just so that I can be empathetic and understanding of my kids and the struggles they face. Ultimately, I know that we have got this!

May is Mental Illnes Month. If you or someone you know battles mental illness, there are many great resources here. 

My articles:
Life With Anxiety
Dear Agony-depression
Breaking Free
After The Storm

Your prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is: “language.”  #SoCS

Anymore

Am I lost to all sanity? I turn around and nothing is familiar anymore
I search in this sky of wonder and mystery yet still there’s nothing there
Where have all the pretty things gone? I feel lost, forgotten and in ruin
It’s all a maze of the obscure, curious and foreign, where the mind breaks
Puzzle pieces with no color, edges gone, nothing fits together anymore©

by Mac

May is Mental Illnes Month. If you or someone you know battles mental illness, there are many great resources here. And this is a piece on my perspective, Mental Illness May #1

Free From Me

I cannot face this thing

The darkness is too much

And the pain is too great

This heart was not meant

To feel an ache like this

My throat closes up tight

How can I still breathe?

You have stollen my air

Ripped out my very soul

I am completely exposed

The elements sting my skin

Beaten down to the ground

There are no more tears left

A cliff is ahead but I am blind

Just set me free from all of me

by Mac

May is Mental Illness Awareness month.

Mental Illness May #1

 

Life With Anxiety

I’d like to touch on the topic of anxiety. This is a mental health ‘issue’ that touches my family immensely. Between myself and one of my children, we have the market cornered on life with anxiety. It is a genetically inherit trait, along with depression, both running on my side of the family. Unfortunately, my two teenage children and I have depression as well.

My youngest also suffers with social anxiety. Influencing all facets of life, from the struggle to be at extended family events, making friends, ordering a meal or engaging with a cashier. As a teenager these are things most would consider fairly mundane parts of life and take for granite even, but this is not the case here. The anxieties at times can affect life for the whole family. Unannounced anxiety enduced nausea or panic attacks; these can interrupt family outings or keep us from even making it out the door. And, although my two teens are best friends and can engage each other with ease, I do worry what life as an adult for my child will look like. Cognitive therapy (CBT) is a useful tool that we do have, but anxiety will still always play a part in life.

My anxieties are a bit less apparent as I do not have trouble with interactions or engaging in public. My anxiety tends to be in the form of stressful situations. I can have panic attacks when my mind takes over a situation. Whether I begin to feel claustrophobic or I feel like I may be in a confrontational situation. These can send me, but not always, which is the disconcerting part. I find having a strong mind and being in control, keep me centered and away from the panic attacks. Relaxation, meditation and time to myself are great therapies for me, along with good support from my family.

Life with anxiety does not have to be all-consuming, but it can be. However, overall I believe our family has learned to cope with it and just go with the flow most of the time. Afterall this is really all we can do, as well as, being super supportive and understanding of one another. Strength as a family unit is certainly a key part of successful daily living with mental health struggles.© ~Mac

 

This War

You come with hopes to destroy

Everything that I hold dear

Looking to take my joy

A struggle builds, my wall tatters

War injures without mercy 

Until nothing matters

Shattered, broken and also maimed

I’m no longer of a sound mind 

A victory you’ve claimed

My defenses you have torn asunder

Coming in you take your fill

My mind you plunder

Your tenticles reaching in, attack

Find the weakest parts of me

On them you’ll snack

Until I’m just a broken, empty vessel

Nothing but a worthless shell

With darkness I wrestle

Depression is a well trained opponent

This war continues for my mind

One day I hope to own it©

by Mac

 

 

 

 

 

 

Breaking Free

These chains, oh these chains, holding onto me

I must break free!

Held down by many weights, water in my lungs

I’m drowning

Please release me

Let me be!

These chains, oh these chains, holding onto me

But stronger I can be!

Clean air in my lungs, warm sun on my face

I’m alive again

Yes, I am finally free

Depression let go of me…

At least for today!©

by Mac