Mother’s Day Sorrows

I never thought that I would be writing about grief for Mother’s Day. It has always been such a happy day for me. But, so many things have changed for me in the past year and a half, it is now a weight on my heart.

I have one child living and an angel child. In the last year between divorce, Philip’s death and my other child (Alex) coming out as transgender I look at pictures and don’t recognize my life anymore.

Mother’s Day two years ago, Katelyn (now Alex) and Philip (right).

This is not to say I am unhappy. I have a beautiful child living and a loving boyfriend; but the weight in my heart is heavy and the pain so raw. They say, “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” I’ve always believed this. But today, as Mother’s Day looms, I find myself planning to visit my child’s grave for the first time since he passed away 11 weeks ago.

My plan with Alex, for this day, we will go hiking at our favorite spot that we would go with Philip. We will release balloons to honor him. Alex encourages me to keep getting up each day and to continue being the best mom I can be. It is not easy; I would like to sleep through the day. I won’t though, I will put one foot in front of another, as I have every day since my sunshine left me.

-Mac

Our hiking spot the last time we went with Philip

It’s The Best

The love of a child is the best feeling
Coming to mom when they need healing
With opened arms taking them in an embrace
Remember the day you first looked on their face
The need that they have, to know you’re their mom
All of the firsts, a roll and a crawl, a hand in your palm
With tears in your eyes or wiping away some of theirs too
But most of all, it’s the best, the first time they say “I love you”©

by Mac

Happy Mother’s Day to all of those who have the honor of being a mom!

Life In The Fast Lane

“It is only when we feel deprived that we resent giving to others. Self-care does not mean you stop caring about others; it just means you start caring more about you. Start thinking about yourself more and others less. Since you have a choice between taking care of someone else, or giving to yourself, try choosing yourself sometimes.”  ~Beverly Engel, The Right to Innocence

The world is giving us lots of imput, and constantly things are coming at us, all while we are being faced with choices. There are times I feel my mind slipping, getting caught up in these things that are really unimportant and of no consequence. Control of my depression and anxiety will start to fail. Then I begin to feel that I am no good to anyone and a fog settles into my mind. I’m in the fast lane but I’m about to cause an accident because my vehicle’s ‘check engine’ light is on. 

More and more I realize how important it is for me to take time to pause. I need to renew self so that I can get through life as a mom, wife and person. I have to make this time a necessity and not just a luxury. Call it a mental health day or call it ‘me’ time, but it is what keeps me sane. 

What types of activities do I do with this time? Well, everyone’s idea of what is enjoyable differs. But, some activities, no mater the person, can be quite theraputic. I have found art, journaling, meditation and yoga are useful for everyone. There is much scientific research that backs this up. I can attest that these are all amazing ways to bring my mind back into focus, clarity and at peace. 

As for other options I choose to do with my free time– I enjoy hanging out at Starbucks or walking around my favorite store, going to the library, strolling on the beach and doing photography. These pastimes are inexpensive or free, but do so much to help me feel refreshed and get my motor running properly. So, I hope that you will be sure to take moments to relax and renew yourself too, remembering to slow down once in a while before you crash and burn.

 

My Child

Perhaps it’s because my oldest turned 16 this week or maybe because we have been dealing with many struggles this year already in my two teen’s lives. But, I have had my kids on my mind a lot this week. As many mom’s do, we worry and with that give- whether it’s time, emotions, energy or sleep! We are often pulled in so many directions, with little of anything left for ourselves. So, here’s to my children and all those mom’s out there that are doing what we do, thinking of our kids. Love, Mac 

To My Children

My child please see yourself the way I do

Perfect and pure and true

My child please feel compassion for others

With friends, walk as brothers

My child please taste of the fruit of your labor

Work hard and life savor

My child please take time to breathe it all in

Drown out the world’s din

My child please hear each of the words I say

I love you in every way©

by Mac

 

Sound Or Silence?

“Silence was not the absence of sound but was itself a sound that could be loud or soft, soothing or disturbing, complex or simple.” ~Julius Lester

I believe that everyone has times when all they would like is to hear nothing. The feeling of pure silence and calm. When even your mind does not run wild with noise from the day, thoughts or even emotion. To be able to just draw in your breathe, refresh your mind and be one with nature…if that’s your thing.

For me, I am just as happy with a cup of coffee and my laptop. Oh, and a few moments when my kids aren’t opening or closing doors, asking me a question, watching the television and no one needs me to do anything for them. Yes, these are a mother’s dreams.

Okay, so I also do enjoy a jaunt to the market by myself. I know it’s not the quietest spot, but I can get lost in the isles, thinking of little else but my grocery list, buggy and sales. Grateful my kids can stay home by themselves now, a well earned respite after years of taking them with me! Pushing the large “car” shaped mammoth of a cart around the store, two tots popping in and out, running around- yes, that mom was me! I try to have patience (a little pity too) on the moms I witness in those situations now. However, honestly, I just find my nerves no longer have the ability to handle the screaming and high pitched noises of little tykes anymore!

Well, here’s to whatever type of silence helps you achieve a recharge of mind and body. Most importantly, is that you make time to when it’s needed. I find I am a better version of me, for not only myself but everyone around me, when I take time out to listen to the sound that speaks to me.

Other posts: Time For What’s Important, Thriving, How To Stay Passion Driven

 

 

 

 

How To Find Money

“If saving money is wrong, I don’t want to be right!”~William Shatner

I have always been thrifty. I can say that is in part to my mom who taught me young to shop yard sales, thrift stores and use coupons. Now, that does not mean we looked dumpy or didn’t have enough. In fact, most people wouldn’t have known that we did this type shopping, except my mom loved to brag that she, “only payed a quarter for this lovely top” that someone just complimented her on. But, I came to see this as a huge thing, why not brag that you saved money on something that another payed full price for? And, although the reason my mom was thrifty was because we had low income when I was young does not mean it is why you should save. Why spend your hard earned money when you don’t have to?

So, fast forward to the present- I would love to share with you some of the ways and places that I have learned to save or better yet make money! I likely will not be able to get them all into this post, so keep an eye out for future follow ups (if I get good feedback and interest).

I am a huge believer in getting the best bang for the buck. If I know that I can pay less somewhere else or I have a coupon, you better believe that I am going to wait to make a purchase. I have found some extraordinary money saving and money making sights in my search for money. I’m not just talking pennies, I am saying 100’s of dollars a year in rebates and savings! Money back in my pocket or well, my PayPal account. I am going to first cover the Apps that I use to save (or make) $100’s on my groceries, retail and restaurants, every year. I will tell you, it may seem like work at first, but the payoff is worth it. After a while, it becomes second nature to just use these wherever you go. And who doesn’t want to make or save money?!

Coupons.com– A great place to print off coupons. You can do it online or download the app to your phone. You can get two prints per coupon and also a tip is to play with the zip codes in settings, that will get you different coupons depending on the area.

ibotta– This has been one of my favorite and all time highest money making Apps. It is a rebate app for groceries, retail and restaurant spending. If you have friends who use the app you can also link through Facebook or email and help each other meet rebate goals, earning extra money. Payments can be received via PayPal, gift cards or check. Year to date, I have earned over $500 in just over the past two years with this.

Saving Star, Checkout51 & MobiSave– These apps are all similar with rebates for groceries. I love when they all are offering a rebate for the same item and I end up getting the item for FREE or even making money on it! Similar to “ibotta” but not quite as high in earnings. Still year to date, over the last couple years I have averaged about $200 total from all three apps combined. PayPal is the best option for payment, but I believe they have choices also.

Find & Save– Entering your nearest big city location, this app gives you rebates for groceries, retail and restaurants also. Often there is a time limit from a day to a week. Unlike other apps, it often requires a certain amount be spent to make a percentage back. Easy to use and offering a myriad of places. I have used this app for the past year and have earned approximately $75.

Receipt Hog– This is simply a receipt adding App. Most receipts are taken in retail, grocery, gas and some restaurant. You take a pic of your receipt and give a star rating on your experience. You earn points or spins, all adding up to be turned in for gift cards or PayPal. It does take longer to earn with this App, but if you are consistent with putting in receipts you can make about $40 to $80 a year.

Windfall– This App is price matching for Target, Walmart, Toys R Us/Babies R Us, Staples, Best Buy, Home Depot and Lowe’s. Once a purchase is made from one of these locations you scan in your receipt. If that item was cheaper on their website or in another store, you are notified and can return to the location’s service desk to get refunded the difference. I have used it at multiple locations and have not had a problem with their honoring this app. I just recently started using it and have made about $10 back.

Shopkick– An in store App where you are awarded points for opening the app at the door of your location. You also are awarded point values for scanning in certain bar codes from merchandise specified for the store, all while shopping. They have expanded now to more points for purchases on certain items scanned. Like “Receipt Hog” it awards money to points and does take longer to earn. I have made approximately $25 year to date.

Cartwheel– Target’s App for savings in their store. Choose the discounts you want to use from weekly offers and show the cashier your bar code at the register during checkout. Savings are automatically taken off. I like to find coupons to add on top of the savings! I also recommend getting yourself a RedCard which saves you 5% off the top of every Target purchase. They offer debit or credit cards, you can sign up online or in the store.

Savings Catcher– Walmart’s price matching for items purchased. You scan receipt code to the app and they let you know in about five days if any savings were found. They keep a total for you which can be redeemed at Walmart on future purchases. I have made back approximately $50 in the past two years.

 

Okay, I’ve shared quite a bit! I hope that you will check these out and start your road to savings today! I have other ways to save and earn I’d like to share, perhaps for another day. Let me know if you want to read more, what you want to save on, like what you’ve read or other apps and ways you have found helpful! 

 

 

Thanks to Eddaz for the nomination!

 

 

Living In the Lap of…Mom

“I am a mother and mothers don’t have the Luxury of falling apart in front of their children, even when they are afraid, even when their children are adults.” 
~Kristin Hannah, The Nightingale

Being a mom is the hardest…thing…job…blessing, I continue to do, in my life. And I do not take the responsibility lightly. I have had the luxury that is not afforded all moms and that is the opportunity to be a stay-at-home mom, for the majority of my kid’s lives. Yes, once in a while I chose to work part-time, mainly to get out with adults! Now, I am self-employed and get to do a lot of work from home, a huge blessing.

Parenting is often a thankless job. No one sees those nightly feedings, changing diapers and lack of sleep. The hours that you spend by your child, worrying as they run a high fever or when they are having surgery. Nothing can truly prepare you for the job of being a mom. Even your own mom telling you stories, the advice of a million other moms or a pediatrician’s reassurance- none of these will be enough to remove the self-doubt, times of guilt and restless nights of worry that accompany the job description of mom.

“guilt to motherhood is like grapes to wine” 
~Fay Weldon  

Now, coexisting with two teenagers, I have come to realize I am needed less. It is a double-edge sword raising your kids and doing so well. The freedoms that I long desired when they were young are now more readily available to me. But, at times, I truly do miss when they would want to snuggle, climb into my lap to read a book and needed me to do most anything. Although, I cannot say that the frustrations, difficulties and worries are less frequent- just brought on by different things. And as I wrote prior (see “Motherhood~ Identity Crisis”) there are times I just don’t want to be around my kids. But, the majority of the time I just look at the little (even if my son is taller than me) adults they are becoming and am in awe of how quickly the years have gone! I still want to kiss them in public or have their little hands in mine. These are luxuries I no long have, so on to the next chapter we turn.

“Motherhood is a choice you make everyday, to put someone else’s happiness and well-being ahead of your own, to teach the hard lessons, to do the right thing even when you’re not sure what the right thing is…and to forgive yourself, over and over again, for doing everything wrong.”  ~Donna Ball, At Home on Ladybug Farm

Profound Rantings (Of A Sleep Deprived Mom)

“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to torture you.” -Ray Ramano 

Children are a blessing, I know this to be true because I have two. But, I’m going to be honest, there are those days, weeks…okay months, where I just don’t want to be around them. Now, I’m being real here, I didn’t say I don’t love them or like them– I’m just saying, there are times when I just don’t want this parenthood gig! 

As of this year I am officially the mom to two teenagers. Now, I thought that the toddler years were rough, *hand to forehead* I was wrong! Or perhaps it’s just that I am older and my level of patience is not what it once was. And by the way, what is with that? Isn’t patience and tolerance suppose to get better as you live longer? I don’t know, maybe it’s just me. I don’t have patience for kids in general these days. I hear kids out in the neighborhood screaming and I am already planning on which retirement community I want to move to!

I am constantly laying awake in bed at night wondering if I am doing all the right things as a parent. I have little adults that will soon be leaving (one can dream) to go into the real world. Have I done all that I can do to make them productive, hard working parts of society? Is there anything more that I can do or teach them that will be a tool for success? Do they realize I love and believe in them? Oh dear Lord, when did I become my mother? 

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” ― Rodney Dangerfield

Isn’t it great how when you were a kid you thought you knew it all; and then you end up as a parent with that spitting image of yourself? Oh yes, teenagers know it all, just ask mine and he will tell you! My poor parents, I now realize what I put them through. Is it some kind of unspoken rule that you will surely have a child that imitates how you were as a kid? I imagine that if anything, it is your payment for being a jerk as a teenager! Recently both of my kids told me that they don’t want to have kids (like they even know). I told them that I was sad if that was true because I want to be a Meme. But I was thinking, “Lord, please let them have kids so that they can feel the revenge of being a parent!” 

“Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.” -Ray Ramano

Motherhood~Identity Crisis

“One of the greatest tragedies in life is to lose your own sense of self and accept the version of you that is expected by everyone else.”  -K.L. Toth

Even as a young child motherhood was one of my greatest desires. I would gaze into thee eyes of a screaming child and see innocence. Look at little sticky hands with wonder and reach for them. Even changing a diaper was serious business. As the oldest sibling I was baby sitting at a young age. By my teen years I was certain that I would have seven kids…pure madness!

I’m not sure that anything really prepares you for parenthood! I know, that sounds so cliché. The sleep deprivation, the feedings, the screaming and oh the bodily fluids! No, those are par for the course. Surely going in most have some inkling of what comes with having a baby, perhaps not ALL of it, but some of it. It’s what comes later that can truly be frightening and I’m not talking the “birds and the bees”!

When you eat, sleep and breathe motherhood it becomes the perfect storm for an identity crisis. Your life suddenly is not your own! It has become all about these little people depending on you 24/7. You are up before the sun and in bed well after it has set. You have not showered, perhaps in days. Your new “uniform” is sweatpants and t-shirts– maybe they are clean, and maybe they have crusty who-knows-what on them! Your body, well, that just never is the same. And what is a bra, makeup or razor? Did I mention minivan?

When waking to the reality one day I found I no longer knew who I truly was. To look in the mirror and no longer see someone I recognized as myself. Yes, I am somebody’s mom and somebody’s wife but, WHO am I? What do I like to do? What goals (outside of potty training) do I have? And, is there a life after the kids are in bed?

“I’m not the same person I was before, and I am deathly afraid I will never be her again…” 
― Jodi LaPalm, Still Life

The process of “finding myself” was certainly mixed with times of mourning who I once was and overwhelming emotions of who I now am. Not only did my body change but what made up my being had changed. I certainly had gone through a metamorphosis and now, a time of learning how to fly. Rediscovery, redefining and reconciling played important roles. Reconciling with myself that I am somebody’s mom and somebody’s wife, but I am not defined by those titles, [that] was one of my big “ah-ha” moments. And redefining my attitude by this quote, “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.”  by Gandhi. After all, isn’t that what being a mother and wife should include, serving the ones you love? But make no mistake, time for self is just as important…for everyone!

Rediscovery came as I finally rejoined the world of adults and began learning who I now am as a woman and not just Mommy. The crisis has been averted, well, at least until that mid-life one comes along.  As my children change (we only have two, by the way), grow and become mini adults– I find the workings of who I am also change. Not that anyone but me dictates this change, but because as life ebbs and flows, I also find myself more pliable. Perhaps it is maturity, life experience or a bit of both but, I just am and I am happy with who that is…Me, myself and I.

“Such a mysterious business, motherhood. How brave a woman must be to embark on it.” 
― M.L. Stedman, La luce sugli oceani

dailypost.wordpress.com:Crisis

Life Is Better In Flip Flops

“What could be better than the beach?”

Source: Life Is Better In Flip Flops