Tag Archives: suicide

Unanswered

Help Me In My Time Of Loss: Go Fund Me

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention fundraiser

Suicide is not something that is easy to understand and even more difficult to talk about. From the perspective of a mom that just lost my oldest child to [it] even more are the questions that go unanswered.

The “whys”– Why did he have to struggle with such a burden? Why couldn’t I do more? Why did he feel he had no other options? Why, why, why…

The “hows”– How could he leave me? How will we all go on? How will I find the strength to survive this? How, how, how…

The “whats”– What could we have done differently? What is the purpose of God giving me a beautiful child for 17 years, just to take him back? What will I do in this life without him…

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Philip (right) with his younger brother Alex (left)

As a mom, but also someone that personally struggles with mental illness, it was a double hit to the heart when he was first diagnosed. I knew the genetics came from me; my father’s side of the family is ravaged by terrible mental illnesses. But, as a mom, I couldn’t understand why such a sensitive soul would be dealt this hardship. He had such potential, was so smart, creative and so full of love to give. But, within two years, he would be gone…just gone.

The fact is, I have come to the realization that there really will never be an “answer.” I knew what his reasoning was and to him it made perfect sense. He loved everyone he knew, it was the world he could not stand to be part of. In the end, all he could see was his lack of purpose for being here. I could not make him see that his purpose was just this– to be my son, my heart, the breathe in my lungs… my very existence.©

by Mac

A poem to my son, Philip I Want You To Know

 

 

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Filed under Depression, Family

I Want You To Know

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My Dear Philip, 

I knew you struggled, I wish I could’ve taken it away

I know you knew we all cared, but you just couldn’t stay

I believe you knew we are all strong enough that we can carry on

I want you to know it feels unbearable that you are really gone

I know I will look for your smile, miss your hugs and laughter

I know I am glad you are my son and will be forever after

I want to thank you for knowing we needed one last moment before away you flew

I want you to know, even though you already knew, I have so much love for you

by Mac (your mom)

The death of a child is not something I thought I would ever go through, yet here I am. Philip, my beloved son of 17 years, lost his battle with mental illness the day after his 17th birthday. How ugly this disease is! Experiencing it myself is one thing, but to see my own child ravaged by depression and to finally lose his life by his own hand, it is more than anyone, let alone a parent, should have to bear!

I will continue to advocate the need for more awareness for mental health sufferers and those that love them. You can help too, in two ways, both greatly appreciated!

Go Fund Me: Help With Expenses in Time of Loss

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention fundraiser

Philip Feb. 22, 2001-Feb. 23, 2018

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Filed under Depression, poetry

Don’t Want To Play

 

These are lyrics to a song that I wrote a while back during a very dark time in my life. I was in a very self destructive place, stemming from a depression that was consuming me. Writing has been a very theraputic outlet for me and plays a major roll in aiding me when I feel myself falling. It is so important to find things that keep you grounded or bring you joy, even if they are momentary, during these times. May is Mental Illness Month. If you or someone you know battles mental illness, there are many great resources here.  

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Don’t Want To Play

by Mac

You tied my hands and you broke my will
Roughed me up, bleeding, you took your fill
Stole all my dignity, now I’ve none to spare
Then told me lies, said they wouldn’t care

Darkness please find another play ground
No more do I desire to be sought and found
Darkness please find another play ground
Last time we played I almost drowned

Next time you want to play your game
I hope I’m strong enough to say the same
But I get weak and tired from the run
Each time I’m fooled, think I already won

Darkness please find another play ground
No more do I desire to be sought and found
Darkness please find another play ground
Last time we played I almost drowned

I am the puppet and you hold the strings
Took my voice, which no good thing brings
Used my words towards others, now disdain
And to my heart, brought me much pain

Darkness please find another play ground
No more do I desire to be sought and found
Darkness please find another play ground
Last time we played I almost drowned©

 

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Filed under Depression, inspiration, poetry

The Great Divide

 

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Hardships will divide
But we must learn
To never go hide
Time is too precious

This divide is so great
Find a way of coping
Journey isn’t straight
Can you survive?

Resolve is within you
Please don’t give up
Making it through
Damn life is tough!

Showing such peace
Lay side to self
Give you release
Find your way home

I call to the breeze
One final breath
Now on with ease
Crossing over, you go…

©The Great Divide by Mac

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Filed under Depression, Uncategorized

Gone But Not

You are gone but not forgotten
Like a bad penny that keeps coming back
First you took and took from me
Now you just want to feel my heart crack

The journey through this life is hard
You would just ask for more than I can do
It’s not that I can’t handle the work
I just don’t want to give any more to you

You trick me with your little white lie
Tell me that you’ve left for good this time
But then with great triumphant zeal
Here you return and you, to make me mime

But I refuse to be your little puppet
Don’t want this life of mine lived on a string
You are gone for now and not missed
Depression, don’t want to be your play thing!

©Gone But Not by Mac (SBDMB)

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Filed under Depression, poetry

Up In Smoke

Like a magician you perform, To your audience of one
Making people disappear, All in the name of fun

Acrid smoke and mirrors, Play a dangerous game
And for a clown as me, I live with only shame

Dimming of the lights, Curtains slowly spread
Is this all the final act? Will I soon by dead?

The music starts its tempo, Softly calls to me
“Come now lonely child, I can make you free.”

There are no expectations, Nothing you need fret.”
But I see through his charade, It leaves me with regret

At last this great performer, Reveals himself you see
Life is but a vapor and behind this mask was only me

©Up In Smoke by SBDMB (MM)

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Filed under Depression, poetry