Unanswered

Help Me In My Time Of Loss: Go Fund Me

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention fundraiser

Suicide is not something that is easy to understand and even more difficult to talk about. From the perspective of a mom that just lost my oldest child to [it] even more are the questions that go unanswered.

The “whys”– Why did he have to struggle with such a burden? Why couldn’t I do more? Why did he feel he had no other options? Why, why, why…

The “hows”– How could he leave me? How will we all go on? How will I find the strength to survive this? How, how, how…

The “whats”– What could we have done differently? What is the purpose of God giving me a beautiful child for 17 years, just to take him back? What will I do in this life without him…

Philip (right) with his younger brother Alex (left)

As a mom, but also someone that personally struggles with mental illness, it was a double hit to the heart when he was first diagnosed. I knew the genetics came from me; my father’s side of the family is ravaged by terrible mental illnesses. But, as a mom, I couldn’t understand why such a sensitive soul would be dealt this hardship. He had such potential, was so smart, creative and so full of love to give. But, within two years, he would be gone…just gone.

The fact is, I have come to the realization that there really will never be an “answer.” I knew what his reasoning was and to him it made perfect sense. He loved everyone he knew, it was the world he could not stand to be part of. In the end, all he could see was his lack of purpose for being here. I could not make him see that his purpose was just this– to be my son, my heart, the breathe in my lungs… my very existence.©

by Mac

A poem to my son, Philip I Want You To Know

 

 

I Want You To Know

My Dear Philip, 

I knew you struggled, I wish I could’ve taken it away

I know you knew we all cared, but you just couldn’t stay

I believe you knew we are all strong enough that we can carry on

I want you to know it feels unbearable that you are really gone

I know I will look for your smile, miss your hugs and laughter

I know I am glad you are my son and will be forever after

I want to thank you for knowing we needed one last moment before away you flew

I want you to know, even though you already knew, I have so much love for you

by Mac (your mom)

The death of a child is not something I thought I would ever go through, yet here I am. Philip, my beloved son of 17 years, lost his battle with mental illness the day after his 17th birthday. How ugly this disease is! Experiencing it myself is one thing, but to see my own child ravaged by depression and to finally lose his life by his own hand, it is more than anyone, let alone a parent, should have to bear!

I will continue to advocate the need for more awareness for mental health sufferers and those that love them. You can help too, in two ways, both greatly appreciated!

Go Fund Me: Help With Expenses in Time of Loss

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention fundraiser

Philip Feb. 22, 2001-Feb. 23, 2018

Speaking The Language

Sometimes I don’t feel like I’m even speaking the same language as the rest of the world. Have you ever felt this? When you are saying something and people look at you with blank eyes, like you are speaking your own made up words. I feel like I am often in this fog that is pulling me deeper into its clutches. At times amazes me that anything I do or say forms any sort of cohesion, let alone that I accomplish daily tasks.

Mental illness has wreaked havoc on our family this year. Although I am unable to share details at this time, I can tell you that it has been a very hard five months! With myself, as well as two teenagers (add puberty and hormones) whom all have one form or another of mental illness, and voila you have mayhem. And hubby, well, he is just trying to stear this crazy train!

So, what do we do to get through this time in our lives? The best we can, I suppose. There is counseling and medicine, but also lots of listening and supporting. Learning coping skills and how to take care of mind, but also body. (Keep an eye out for a piece in the future on how we take care of our mind and body.) Some days we just chill (thank God for homeschool and flexibility) and other days we can only do our best to push through. Sometimes the sounding board for the kids and other times the warm embrace. There are nights when the four of us all sit on our queen size bed and just talk about how tough things are right now, other times no talking occurs and perhaps a tear or two is shed.

I never had to cope with my depression as a teenager. I didn’t begin my struggle until I was twenty. I cannot even imagine the difficulty of navigating an already stressful and confusing time of life, then adding depression and anxiety into the mix! But, I see the strength and determination that has taken root in my children’s lives. I believe in them and their abilities. And, at times I find myself thanking God for giving me depression, just so that I can be empathetic and understanding of my kids and the struggles they face. Ultimately, I know that we have got this!

May is Mental Illnes Month. If you or someone you know battles mental illness, there are many great resources here. 

My articles:
Life With Anxiety
Dear Agony-depression
Breaking Free
After The Storm

Your prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is: “language.”  #SoCS